


Modern Renaissance

by deltachye



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Artificial Intelligence, Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Androids, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, F/M, Fuckbuddies, Gift Fic, Reader-Insert, Robot Sex, Romance, Science Fiction, eventually lol, ish, my brain is immensely expanding, opens my mf third eye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:06:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24334816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deltachye/pseuds/deltachye
Summary: [reader x natsuya kirishima | implied reader x kaede kinjou | android au]Your AI by the name of Natsuya seems a little too good at playing human for something that doesn't know much about emotion.(Or does he?)
Relationships: Kinjou Kaede/Reader, Kirishima Natsuya/Reader
Comments: 55
Kudos: 197
Collections: Gift Fics





	1. I - TEMPERA

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kaientai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaientai/gifts).



> lightly inspired by detroit: become human & altered carbon. no i haven't played the game i'm running on the pure force of guesstimation alone. please suspend your disbeliefs in advance ;;;;;;  
> (hee hees on kai's grave... i adore you)

* * *

“Mm,” you gasped breathlessly, squeezing your eyes shut to help ground yourself against the rising feeling behind your navel. “Kinjou, don’t stop, I’m going to—!”

Your proclamation was cut short when his body suddenly seized against yours, an animalistic grunt drowning you out. You grimaced flatly at the ceiling as he buried his face into your hair, heaving for air.

Well. Great. Should’ve seen that coming, because you sure as hell didn’t.

“Phew,” he sighed contentedly, pulling out of you and tossing the condom into the trashcan by your bed. The movements were so careless that it coldly reminded you of all you were to him: an easy fuck buddy. You scrambled to pull your clothes back down over your body, always hating how exposed you felt after these trysts (if you could be generous enough to call them that). Kinjou’s a biter, and no matter how many times you told him not to, you know you’ve got marks all up and down your body to take care of once he’s left. You’re not even sure if the last ones have fully faded yet. He noticed your movements and gave you a look, an almost sinister grin splitting across his attractively sharp face.

“Damn. Aren’t you cute?” You winced when he tweaked your cheek before hauling himself to his feet. He stretched widely, yawning behind a palm as you rubbed the dull condescension from your skin.

“Do you have any matches today?” you asked, rolling over in your bed to watch him with your head propped up in your hands. It doesn’t matter what he answers, because you don’t even really care all that much in the first place. You’re only asking to pretend that he’s worth having a conversation with in the first place. You know—talking. The thing people that are _friends_ do. His golden eyes glossed over you callously as he shrugged his bag over his shoulder.

“Nah, nothing serious ‘till next month. I’m training for the new season, so I probably won’t be back home for a while. Don’t get lonely without me, doll.” He laughed, but it sounded cruelly insincere.

“What if I _do_ miss you?” You twirled your hair around your index finger, pouting up at him. He crouched over your bed, suddenly grabbing your face with one large domineering hand. Your breath hitched with delight, but before you knew it, he’d already let go and turned away.

“Just take care of it ‘till Daddy’s home, like a good girl.”

The heavy sigh took everything out of you with it and you collapsed back into your pillows, listening to him march downstairs to exit through the back. But, to your surprise, he called out before you heard the door slam.

“Hey, [Surname]—there’s somebody standing outside.”

“What?” You sat up, looking at the clock hovering on your night stand. The shop wouldn’t be open for another two hours. “Who is it?” you shouted down.

“Fuck if I know!”

The walls jolted, and just like that, Kinjou Kaede was gone. Another sigh. He was just like a wicked storm, coming and going, blessing you with mind-blowingly rough sex before vanishing until the next drought. It’d only been a few months since you’d gotten acquainted with the professional swimmer, and you were loath to admit that you were problematically addicted to him. It was hard to come by people who’d screw you like that with no strings attached, but you didn’t exactly have plans to replace him. Your _feelings_ for him were a whole different matter; ones that you continually pushed to the back of your mind. Today was no different and you forcefully willed yourself to ignore the pang of disappointment radiating up from between your legs to your heart.

Although you would’ve liked to go back to bed, you were a naturally early riser and reluctantly got up. If there really was a visitor waiting downstairs, you should probably talk to them instead of miserably lying around until opening.

The mirror hanging on your wall bounced back a hopelessly disheveled image of yourself. Your hair was a bird’s nest and your clothes—the ones still hanging onto your body, at least—were in great disarray. You checked your neck and yanked down the collar of your top. Kinjou had managed to control himself somewhat, and the new trails of embarrassing hickeys in your collection remained tucked under your shirt. As you were sprucing yourself up, the doorbell below chimed, causing you to jump. You already got very few customers as is, so having an actual guest was suddenly nerve-wracking.

You jogged down the stairs after getting dressed and tried peering through the shop window to see who it was. There was only a shadow as the figure stood behind the frosting of the door. You weren’t sure who it could be. If any of your friends wanted to visit, they’d let you know beforehand. Maybe it was just a confused customer after all? Overrun by curiosity, you hastily unlocked the door and opened it.

“Hello?”

The person turned around, a half-set smirk already on their face when they looked down at you. Your gaze caught on brown salt-tousled curls and eyes that looked like they were carved from raw honey amber. Your stomach churned anxiously as blood pooled in your toes. Are you kidding me? This wasn’t even a person at all.

“Hey,” he—it—greeted casually. “Android DR-056 at your service.”

\---

“What the _hell_ do you mean you _got me an android_!?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Your father huffed irritably. You watched him cross his arms in the hologram, the nanoparticles a bit worse for wear on your older comms device. He flickered in a way that just made his disapproval all the more obvious. “You insisted on moving all the way out to the city by yourself. It’s dangerous for a young woman to be alone _anywhere_ , much less in the capital.”

“So you got me a fu—freaking robot security guard? How does that make any sense? Aren’t they expensive?”

“That model was on sale,” he snapped in return. “And your mother and I agreed that it’d be best for you to have something to keep you safe. Besides, haven’t there been robberies in your area? You should stay updated on the news. You’re not a kid anymore. What are you being so reckless for?”

You bit down on your lip to hide your scowl. All this nagging and they _still_ had the nerve to wonder why you’d ditched home so eagerly. “I was totally fine, Dad. I _am_ fine. Nothing’s happened, and it’s not like I’m not careful. You should’ve asked me first before shipping some weird _cyborg_ thing to my house! Or you could’ve at least warned me…”

“It’s already there?” he asked, ignoring your distress. “Hm. Wow. They weren’t kidding when they said express delivery. I thought it wasn’t going to get there until—”

“Dad!”

“Look.” He glowered at you sternly. “You’ve already pushed it by moving out, _against_ our wishes. The least you can do as our daughter is make sure we don’t worry about you. Isn’t that fair?”

The crescent shaped teeth marks on your collarbones suddenly began to ache. Guiltily, you looked over to your closed bedroom door, knowing what was lying in wait beneath you. Your father was still staring at you, and you withered under his gaze.

“…fine.”

“Anyways,” he continued, finally looking pleased. “How is it? Good? The website said it has enhanced security specs. The combat models that are more popular weren’t available, so—”

“I have to go,” you lied abruptly, “and uh… open up shop. It’s already late. I’ll talk to you later. Bye. Tell mom I said bye, too.”

“Okay, but—”

You cut the call before he could say anything else and sighed, burying your face into your hands. Maybe he was right. You weren’t exactly an intimidating force of nature yourself, and there _had_ been an intense string of B&Es getting close to the avenue you worked and lived on. It might be nice to be able to walk home at night without having to fear for your life. Besides, it wasn’t like you had to take care of the android. It could probably do that for itself. There was no need to feed it or pay it or anything like that. In a way, having an android as company was probably easier than having a boyfriend.

You changed into proper clothes, unable to help but feel anxious. Although artificial intelligence units were commonplace these days, probably outnumbering humans, you weren’t used to ones in functional bodies. Androids—that is, AI hosted in artificially humanoid shells—were popping up more and more, especially in the cities. All the AI you’d ever interacted with were online, so this was the first time you had to closely be with one so physical. You knew a bunch of people who worked with androids in their careers, of course. Surgical robots already existed, and because androids don’t get tired the same way humans do, most of the labour force had already been modernized. You’d heard of nannybots and even sexbots, but you had yet to meet somebody with an android _bodyguard_. Kind of made you like a VIP, huh?

Creeping down the stairs cautiously, you saw it—him?—kneeling over something, his arms crossed as he stared intently. You realized he was checking out your flowers. Mustering a semblance of courage, you sucked in a deep breath and steeled your jaw.

“…hey.”

He perked up at the sound of your voice and turned to you. You almost winced. If not for the circular mark at his temple with a pulsing yellow glow, you could’ve mistaken him for any other regular person.

“Hey.”

“So… you’re going to be my bodyguard now. Is that right?” You stepped down onto the floor, unable to help but feel intimidated as he towered over you. He was tall and broad, wearing a plain black t-shirt with some logo printed in white and equally plain pants. Despite the unassuming outfit, his incredibly attractive design wasn’t missed on you. Whoever made him was definitely looking out for the ladies. Your mental sense of gratitude was on her knees.

“Yup. Those are my orders. To accompany you and serve you however you might need me.”

“Okay.” Damn, even his voice was hot. Shouldn’t he be walking on Android’s Next Top Model or something? Your hands were being too fidgety, so you shoved them into your pockets. “Do you have a name or something?”

“The owner can call me by anything they wish.” His voice had dropped an octave, sounding almost suggestive. Your nose wrinkled, and you hid your shudder.

“I’d rather not name you myself. That’s kinda weird…”

“I can go by my default name, then.”

“What, the DR thing?” You could barely remember the numbers he’d rattled off on your doorstep.

“DR-oh-five-six is my model name; it’s not very catchy.” He sounded almost light-hearted, like he was _teasing_ you. You frowned reflexively.

“Fine. What _is_ your default name?”

“Natsuya Kirishima.”

It was surprisingly normal, but you nodded. Easy enough. “Then I’ll call you Natsuya.”

He nodded back, beaming at you. Your heart jittered at the sight. “What about you?”

“Um.” You tried to cool your face by nonchalantly pressing your palm against your hot skin. “Call me [Name], then, I guess.”

You couldn’t help but think about Kinjou, even if the timing for him being in your head wasn’t quite appropriate at the moment. You thought about the way he’s called you [Surname] ever since you began your half-assed “relationship”. Did he even know your given name? You might really be on better terms with the barista you saw once at the coffee shop across the street. While you were wallowing in pity, Natsuya hummed to himself, looking self-satisfied with something.

“[Name], huh? It’s a pretty name.”

Sudden. Cardiac. Arrest.

To cover for your moment of weakness, you spat out self-consciously, “do you have a flirting DLC installed or something? What’s up with that?”

Natsuya laughed in return, his grin spreading across his face like sunshine spreading over the ocean after a storm. “Just the way I’m coded, missus—though it’s not like you’re undeserving or anything.” He winked.

Your shoulders slumped. This new arrangement was going to be… interesting, to say the least.


	2. II - GOLDEN OCHRE

“Gardening is a dying business.”

“Oh, joy.” You rolled your eyes as you tied your apron at the front, the knot’s ribbons trailing to your knees. “My android’s equipped to be a smartass, too? The gift that keeps on giving.”

“It’s called being honest.” He cocked his head and watched as you began to go around with your mister. “Seriously. People just get holo flowers these days. What’s the point of running a flower shop?”

You pursed your lips, staring down at the cosmos. If you wanted to, you could probably command Natsuya to leave you alone, and he would. But you felt oddly bad about it, the same way you’d feel bad for snapping at a real person, and sighed to yourself.

“There’s sanctity in life. No matter how good the replication is, you can’t replace a living thing. Holo flowers don’t have fragrances. They don’t wilt or grow depending on how you treat them. There’s perfection in imperfection.”

“Was that meant for me?” he asked slyly. You winced, only now realizing just how obvious you’d been.

“…sorry. I guess I’m still weirded out by androids.”

“There’s no need to be sorry. I’ve heard that a lot. But if you could tell me why, I’d like to understand.” He was standing a respectful enough distance away but had a curious glimmer in those abnormally orange-toned eyes. They shone like oiled gems. You shrugged, deciding to continue to humour him, as he was actually a half-decent conversation partner and you were tired of talking to plants who couldn’t reply.

“It’s like… an Uncanny Valley kind of thing. You’re _almost_ human, and you’re so realistic that you’re basically a man. But you’re not. And I have to keep reminding myself that you’re not. You’re so weirdly good at being human, I keep forgetting you aren’t… so that’s why it unsettles me. I guess.”

“Do you want me to act more robot-y?” he asked with a lilted grin. “I can do that if you’d like.”

“Seriously?” You raised a skeptical eyebrow. “I can fuck with your settings or something?”

“Not exactly. Models have default personalities that are locked in. If you were a hacker, you could probably tinker with me, but that’d just get you in trouble with the law. Besides, I think I’m quite fun. Messing with me ruins the appeal. Don’t you think?” He chuckled at you and you had to roll your eyes to mask the fact that you were staring.

“Whatever, Natsuya. Just don’t get in my way or anything.”

“Yeah, yeah. If you say so.”

You opened the store as usual, and, as usual, there was no influx of customers. Though you didn’t care for the way he said it, he was right—flower shops were out, just like paper news and smartphones. Still, it wasn’t like your business was going under any time soon. You turned profits (barely) by working full time, but it was enough. Living so close to City Centre was worth it.

Natsuya was good with heavy lifting, so you asked him to deal with the compost and other dirty work. Carrying the heavy pots out to the display up front was a lot easier with help. It seemed a small price to pay to have to listen to his incessant flirting in exchange for a painless lower back. 

It wasn’t like _nobody_ came in. Your shop attracted a lot of older customers, especially people who shared the value of the delicateness of antiquity against silver skylines. You carefully wrapped up a bouquet of red roses for a familiar woman.

“I’m sure your wife will love these,” you commented brightly, masking the internal lament of witnessing yet another happy couple dance by in front of you while you were still hopelessly dragging yourself through Kinjou’s shit. Awkwardly, you adjusted the collar of your shirt, the sting of trashy hickies stirring underneath. 

She smiled back at you. “They _are_ her favourite. Thanks again, [Name].” She started on her way out before turning back, remembering something. “Oh—but you’ll be careful, won’t you?”

“Careful of what?” you asked.

“The robberies,” she answered ominously. “There was one close to here last night.”

“I’ve heard,” you replied. “I’ll be on my toes. And I’ve got an android bodyguard now, courtesy of my parents…”

“Hiya, Miss.” Natsuya waved, prompted when you gestured over at him. The dinky apron you gave him didn’t suit his towering frame, and he looked equally ridiculous holding a watering can. Your eyes caught on the way his arm muscles bulged. Was he flexing? Could androids even do that?

“Oh my,” the woman murmured, flashing you an appreciative look. “Lucky you. You know how to choose ‘em. I didn’t peg you to be into that sort of thing…”

“I’ll see you later, Rosaline,” you retorted sharply.

“Kicking me out? You’re so overprotective, love.” She laughed but took her leave, nodding at Natsuya before exiting the shop. Natsuya gave you a look and seemed to have something queued on his tongue. You already knew you wouldn’t like it.

“Aw. She likes me.”

“She’s a lesbian, Natsuya.”

“If I can convert a human into liking an AI, I think I could achieve that, too. I’m pretty good with my words. Also, people tell me I’m easy on the eyes.”

“Jeez,” you sighed, rolling your eyes as you pulled up your credits log. “No wonder you were on sale.”

“Ouch. You wound me, [Name].”

“Anyways, use that robo-brain of yours and do my accounting for me, will you? I’m going to go close up.”

“No can do, Missus.”

You raised an eyebrow, pausing with your hands in the air to edit today’s income sheet. “What?”

“I’m no good at math.”

With total disbelief, you pressed, “you’re a computer and you’re bad at math?”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Hate the programmer, not the program.”

“You’re shit.” You shook your head but felt yourself grinning. He was ridiculous in such an easy-going way that you couldn’t help but feel lighter whenever you talked to him. 

“As long as you’re thinking of me.”

“Okay, fine. You can start bringing everything in. You can handle that much, can’t you?”

“Yes ma’am.” As annoying as he might be, he was obedient, and went outside to start hauling things back indoors. You blinked. _He’s just following orders like bots are supposed to,_ you scolded yourself. It wouldn’t do you any good to be mistaking code for human kindness.

_Crash._

The noise was deafening. For a moment you froze, wondering with a bubble of annoyance if Natsuya had broken one of your planters. But then there was a faraway shriek, and you knew something was actually wrong. Against the proper evolutionary logic of ‘don’t run towards scary sounds’, you ducked outside hastily and looked around. 

“What the hell is going on?” you gasped, unable to see much in the dark. Squinting through pools of fluorescent white light, you strained your ears. The wind seemed to be howling.

“There. It’s a robbery.”

You jumped when Natsuya spoke, sounding far too easy-going for something as serious as that. You followed his eyes and noticed that the jewelry store right across from you had indeed lost its window, its glossy sheen replaced by matte darkness.

“No way,” you gulped, your head spinning. “It can’t be—”

As if they’d heard and were delighted to prove you wrong, a flash of electric blue light scorched your retinas. Those kinds of high-powered electric weapons were _illegal_. There was another screech, high and feminine, sounding just like the shop owner. You racked your brain for her name, knowing you’d spoken to her once or twice: Arden. Your heart thudded with the syllables of realization. 

“Oh my god,” you muttered, looking around in the hopes that you’d see other people who were witnessing what you were. Maybe this was just a bad dream after all? Some sort of prank? But nobody was outside, their windows dark. What could you do? The longer you waited, the worse things were going to get. Your sweat was already clammy on your palms and your teeth were grinding themselves to dust. Quickly, you turned to Natsuya. “Can you help them?!”

He looked a bit surprised and you saw that he was cradling a pot, still working on bringing things in as if nothing at all was happening next door. “You want me to?”

“Yes!” you cried. “If you can help them, then go!”

“All righty then. Stay here.” He turned and begun to march across the street matter-of-factly, like you’d asked him to fetch the mail instead of waltz into danger. You wanted to call out to him. You didn’t know what you wanted to say, though. ‘Good luck’? ‘Actually, never mind’? But you held your tongue—wasn’t this what Natsuya was here to do, after all? He ducked past the shattered glass into the store, and you could do nothing but hold your breath. You wanted to run over there yourself and watch to see what was going on, but you managed to keep your feet planted on the concrete like he’d asked. Oh—police. You should call the police. You hurriedly dialled them on your comms.

“Emergency services.”

“There’s a robbery at my location. There’s weapons and everything.”

“Do you require dispatch?”

 _Obviously!_ “Yes!”

“We’ll send police units to you shortly.” 

You looked up from your comms, noticing something. The sound carried poorly across the distance and was faint, but you definitely heard it—male grunting. Another feminine voice that sounded like Arden, saying something you couldn’t make out. Then—

“Let’s get the fuck out of here!”

A man in black suddenly raced outside, busting down the front door. You jumped, half-stepping back into your store, cowering behind the door frame. He stumbled and fell onto his fours before scrambling to his feet. Another figure was quick to follow—you almost didn’t recognize him at first. It was Natsuya, still wearing a stupid black apron way too small for him with a hole in the collar. You couldn’t see his expression at this distance, but the air was cooling around you.

“Not so fast, Mister.”

“ _Shit_!”

Once again, you were blinded by the sharp blue light. Weapons of all kind were banned in the Capital, but you’d seen electric tasers used in shoddy action movies and the like. Some of them resulted in instant death, hence the ban.

The lines wouldn’t clear out of your vision, so you had to squint past them to try and make out the scene. The man you’d seen escaping lay in the street, completely limp. Your heart froze in your throat. 

“You frickin’ bot, I’ll kill—”

The flash was just as bright, but worse now somehow. This time, you knew why—he was _killing_ them. Maybe they were criminals, but nobody deserved to die, especially not in front of you.

“Natsuya!” you screamed, ducking your head outside before you could stop yourself. “Natsuya, stop it!”

He froze, the lone figure in an empty street. Turning slowly, you finally saw just how _unnatural_ he was, his eyes haunting in the dark. “You want me to stop, now?” he asked, his voice carrying calmly as if there weren’t two corpses at his feet.

“ _Yes_!” you all but sobbed, finding yourself collapsing to your knees. “Just—I just wanted you to help, not…”

You saw his shoes in your field of vision and looked up, watching him kneel down to look you in the eye. It seemed like his were glowing and you recoiled. 

“Police are gonna be here too late. If you stop me now, the lady in there might get hurt.”

“What?” You inhaled sharply, horrified. “It’s not over?”

“They’ve taken her hostage upstairs. These two were just some lackeys.”

“No… that doesn’t mean you can just…” Your eyes wandered back to the body lying on the ground behind him and you winced. “Look, go save Arden, but don’t kill anybody.”

“That makes it more difficult to do what you ask.”

“I don’t care!” you snapped. He shrugged.

“Fine.”

And he jogged back over across the street, trampling one of the men he’d already downed. You held your breath and noticed your hands were clasped in prayer. Were you praying for Arden’s safety? Or hoping that he’d make it out okay?

The time seemed to slow, murkier than a bog. You didn’t know if a minute or twenty had passed. The harder you listened, the less you could hear, your heart pounding in your ear drums. But after an excruciating wait, he emerged back outside through the front door, ducking carefully. There was a woman hanging from his arms.

“Natsuya!” you gasped in relief, scrambling to your feet. “Arden!”

“[Name]…?” she whispered blearily, her head lolling. You saw blood run from a nasty looking gash on her temple.

“What happened?” you demanded from him while he gently lay her down on the road. 

“There were four guys. I took ‘em out. They might wake up soon, so I’m going to go tie ‘em up.” He rummaged through the apron pocket you’d forgotten he was wearing and pulled out gardening wire. “Mind if I use this?”

“No…”

“Be right back, then. I leave her in your hands.” He hopped back up to his feet, so upbeat you’d think he’d start whistling. You would’ve watched him go, but had more pressing matters lying on the ground in front of you.

“Arden, are you okay? What happened?!” She was a frail elderly woman who often stopped by to buy flowers from you to display in her own shop. Arden had never been anything but kind to you and others, so your heart ached to see her trembling in pain and fear.

“T-they just broke in and hit me… I couldn’t… he…”

“Okay, that’s fine. Don’t talk. Be right back, okay?” You ducked inside and scavenged a clean rag, quickly returning to her side. You pressed it to her forehead, feeling bad when she winced away from your touch. “The police are coming, and they’ll take you to the hospital soon.”

“Why me…?” You noticed she was crying. With care, you brushed grey hair out of her face.

“It’ll be okay.”

You didn’t know if you meant it, but what else could you say in the moment? As you spoke, your eyes flickered up to the store across from you, ignoring the bodies on the ground. A lone shadow moved in the top window of the second floor, like a wraith. It was just a fuzzy blur, difficult to see, but… shit. Was he _waving_ at you?

Natsuya Kirishima. DR-056. Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to see him as the inhuman being he was after all.


	3. III - VERMEER

“Go,” you whispered urgently, giving him a slight shove. “Hide in the back.”

“What?”

“You’ll get arrested, won’t you?” You stepped on his foot meaningfully, glowering to get your point across. “Get out of here.”

“You worried about me, darling?”

“I—!” You had half a mind to swing at him, but it’d probably hurt you more than him. “Natsuya, you _killed_ those men. Whether or not they were criminals, murder’s just—”

“I didn’t kill them,” he interrupted, though he didn’t look at all bothered by the accusation. You shot a glance to the bodies still lying in the road, their backs faintly illuminated by the neon blue of police lights. To your shock, one of the crumpled heaps let out a miserable groan when prodded by EMS bots. 

“You…” Turning back to him, you gaped. “But how? I saw you shoot them with electric guns. Nobody survives those.”

“I hacked into ‘em,” he explained nonchalantly. “We can sync with anything digital, pretty much, so I set them to non-lethal. What, you think I could kill a human?” Natsuya snorted, but you couldn’t tell if it was derision or amusement. “I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to. All androids are coded as not to lethally harm human beings.”

“What if somebody _told_ you to kill?” you asked quietly, unable to help your morbid curiosity. “Like, ordered you to? What then?”

“Automatic override. Wouldn’t do it. Wouldn’t want to, either. Human lives are short. It’s not my place to be cutting them down even shorter. The only way I’d kill a person is if I got hacked, and that’s always been rare. Honestly, you humans are more likely to be at each other’s throats than your own creations.”

You and he watched, shoulder to shoulder, as the bots loaded up the criminals into an armoured vehicle. Natsuya hadn’t lied; they were all still alive, albeit dazed. But your eyes were glued to the police bots. They were so much more… “robot” like, cylinders designed from streamlined steel. You’d imagine they’d even make ‘beep boop’ noises. Your eyes darted from the humanoid android at your side to the police bots over and over. Were they the same thing in different bodies? There were human detectives standing around, too, but you only saw two of them. Just how many artificial intelligences were there in your daily life that you hadn’t noticed until Natsuya, the most human-looking one, came along?

“Is that the only reason you wouldn’t kill somebody?” you blurted out. The brightness of blue lights left blind lines scattered across your retinas, and you stared straight ahead, too scared to look at him. You weren’t even sure why you asked in the first place. You just sort of felt like you had to for your own conscience.

“Do I need a reason?” he replied. Your frown deepened.

“I just wondered if… maybe you… never mind.” You shook your head with a weary sigh. How could you admit to him that for a second there, you’d hoped that Natsuya the Cyborg had managed to learn the ways of human compassion? You sounded like every idiot in every sci-fi teledrama. Androids don’t have feelings; they’ve just got mirrored copies of them. Just because he physically couldn’t kill people didn’t mean that he had morals or something. You had to get a fucking grip.

“Are you interested in me, Lady [Name]?” He had that shit-eating grin on his face again, obviously teasing you. But maybe due to the shock of tonight’s events, you found yourself nodding along in total honesty.

“I think I am, Mister DR-056.”

The two of you shared a look, accidental on both ends as the two of you quickly looked away at anywhere-else-but-you. Distantly, you allowed the two detectives to approach you. They had questions about the robbery, but your mind was elsewhere. Elsewhere being the almost-living, breathing, almost-human “man” by your side. You just didn’t get it. How does an AI like that tick? Do they _care_?

You decided that you wanted to find out.

\---

You picked a citrus orange hair off your cover-up, squinting while examining it. You could hardly believe how much shit had happened to you in the course of… a single day. Your parents had shipped you an ultra-hot, lowkey scary robot man to protect you—for good reason, seeing as _you_ could’ve been the one attacked by those ruthless robbers last night. The cops had told you it looked like a random hit. That knowledge gave you no more peace than if it had been planned. You could very well be next. But then, you supposed Natsuya would be there, your robo-knight in bio-organic armour… at what cost? With a scowl, you threw the coarse hair to the ground with all your might, as if it could carry any substantial weight. It floated away out of your sight, but not out of mind.

Coming down the stairs, you saw Natsuya perched at the seat behind the counter, playing around with something. You couldn’t quite see what he was tinkering with on the holo screen in front of him. His fingers whizzed in the air, minimizing and maximizing blocks of pure text. For a second, you stayed back and watched, impressed by the sight. He looked totally at ease juggling all the open screens projected in the air. In fact, he didn’t even seem to be looking, the scrolls of miniature scripture reflected like wispy spider webs in his amber orbs. 

“Natsuya?” you asked finally, unable to help your suspicion. He looked over and swiped down, grinning at you as he closed all his holograms. He spun in his seat and clasped his hands together.

“Heya, boss.”

“What were you doing?” you posed, attempting to seem casual about it. He didn’t seem to care.

“Defragging. Androids don’t sleep, so we hook up to the Array instead to reboot our systems and stay up to date.”

“I see…” A bit guiltily, you asked, “do you… _want_ a room?”

“I’d be happy to share with y—”

“Not happening.” Your store only had the one room upstairs, and like hell were you going to keep the company of your android bodyguard pet _thing_ that close. He shrugged.

“I’ll be okay.”

“If you insist.” You shrugged the tote bag up your shoulder and declared, cheerily, like it might dispel your own worries if you pretended everything was okay hard enough: “Alright then; let’s go! We’re heading out.”

“We are?” He turned to look at the door. “It’s Tuesday. Don’t you have to open up shop?”

“I figured after yesterday’s catastrophe, I wouldn’t be getting much business. Besides, I haven’t gotten a break in years. So, come on.” You patted the towel slung over your shoulders. “Beach day! Hope you’re waterproof.”

\---

If it was any other man, this would’ve been romantic.

The ocean wasn’t a very far walk away from the store. You’d leased the place _because_ of its proximity to the beach. The two of you bantered lightly on the walk, but you couldn’t help your eyes from shifting around nervously, eyeing each face you passed like they were leering at you. Arden was apparently all right, resting at the hospital, but witnessing violence up close like that for the first time in… ever, really, kind of sucked. As much as you resented your parents for being all overbearing, you really did feel better having Natsuya’s hunk of a body shield you. If he was wired to be shit at math, at least he was buff. You win some, you lose some. C’est la vie.

The two of you set up a towel you’d brought with you. The beach was always busy, and today was no exception. Even as people worked harder and longer or got sucked up into the allure of the cyberworld—which could provide the same beach experience minus all the dirty sand and burning sun—there were still a good number of people, like you, who couldn’t replace the outdoors with the picture of it. 

You watched Natsuya’s face carefully as the two of you sat, wondering if you might catch a gleam of delight or even a nose wrinkle of disgust. But he looked just as he always did, perfectly sculpted and calm. You really weren’t even sure what your quest here was. Provoke reactions that’d prove he wasn’t just a mass of code? You didn’t know if that’d make you feel better or worse about him. In any case, the only way to defeat fear is to have understanding. He was going to be around for who knows how long, so you felt obligated to try and get a handle of who he was—whether he wanted to play human or not.

“Let’s go for a swim,” you declared suddenly, not wanting an awkward silence to fall between the two of you. He cocked his head curiously, watching as you hopped up.

“The government still has a pollution warning in effect. It isn’t safe for humans to be in the water.”

You shrugged. “I haven’t died or grown a second head yet, so it’s fine. Keep me company. Orders are orders, right?”

He laughed to himself gently before obediently getting to his feet. He peeled his shirt off in a fluent motion and you had to look away before you stared. Androids don’t even need to be that ripped! What the hell was he going to do with all that? What a waste.

“You aren’t going to blow up or anything in the water, are you?” you asked hastily, shifting your thoughts away from his marvelous musculature.

“Nope.” He rolled his shoulder, full-teeth smile cockily painted on his face. “I can swim better than you, I bet.”

“Well, one of us needs oxygen, so it’s not exactly fair, is it?”

“That’s true. Still, you want to race?”

The offer sparked competition in you and you nodded.

“You’re on.”

\---

The searing sun rays warmed you despite the chill of salty dewdrops decorating your skin. You lay on your stomach, resting your head onto outstretched arms exhaustedly. Natsuya had given you a run for your money. Actually, that was being polite—he’d completely beat the shit out of you. You weren’t a pathetic swimmer by any means, and you didn’t think you’d actually win against a machine or anything, but he acted like he was _made_ for the water. He’d never seemed more at home, actually… you felt like you’d seen a new side to him.

“Were you based off of somebody?” you brought up all of the sudden, voice hoarse from overexertion. “Like, your creator or something?” He just had far too many human traits to fully be a concoction of Boolean strings. 

“Hm.” He looked over at you thoughtfully, water droplets beading off the ends of his brown hair like diamond jewels. He lay on his back, exposing his skin to the air—you noticed how goosebumps raised on his shoulders, just like they were on yours. “I guess I’m based off of the real Natsuya.”

“So there _is_ a real one of you walking around… ugh. I’d hate to meet him.”

He shrugged, rolling over onto his stomach to face you properly. “Who knows? Natsuya Kirishima might be long dead. I was just wired to be an imitation of him.”

It sounded sad when he said it that way, like he… _wanted_ to be more, like this ‘real Natsuya’, but never could. Almost like a child who’d been told his worth wasn’t meant much at a young age. 

Or were you just self-projecting onto him?

“I guess so,” you murmured, letting your eyelids fall shut. They were crimson red, fluttering frantically as part of you kept trying to re-open your eyes so you could look upon him more. 

“If you hate me that much, you should trade me in for another model. Though you’d probably miss me.” His tone was light-hearted, but you frowned and allowed yourself to meet his gaze.

“I wouldn’t trade you in,” you replied firmly. “You’re a handful, but… if this is the way that you are, then that’s fine. I’ll just have to live with that.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, brow twitching ever so slightly. 

“I mean, you can love somebody all you want—” Kinjou’s sneer. “—and they’ll still have all this shit you hate about them. Because they’re human. It’s not fair of me to ask you to be a hundred percent perfect or something just because _you’re_ not. You were made this way for a reason. Talking like that would probably make the Natsuya you were based off sad… don’t you think?”

“…no. I’ve never thought about it that way.” He smiled wryly, tilting his head, the angle odd as the two of you stared at each other lying down. “You’re weird.”

“Okay, nevermind. I could do without you insulting me every two seconds. Is there a patch for that?”

“Nope.”

“Bitch.” You threw sand into his face, laughing when he spluttered in surprise. It quickly turned into a shriek as he dusted you with a handful of his own. 

Play-fighting with him on the beach at midday, it once again felt surreal—it was a conscious effort to remind yourself, over and over, _this isn’t real_. But then again, what _is_ real? Is anything at all? You thought of all the people who fell in love “forever and always” only to get a divorce; people who enjoy the fantasy worlds of the cyberworld than the physical realm. Optical illusions you played around with in grade school. You only know what’s real because of your brain tells you, and as humanity moved further into unknown worlds of forbidden knowledge, it became increasingly clear that the brain can be so easily tricked. In that sense, _nothing_ is really real. Was his laughter real? His smile? Was it all just a command in that wired brain of his? What if this was all your own dream?

Maybe so, maybe not. In the end, it was easier for you to just let go and enjoy the moment. It’d been a long time since you’d been this happy, and whether or not that was real, you were grateful to Natsuya for it. Natsuya made you happy. That much was okay.


	4. IV - BUON FRESCO

Arden never came back. Every time you looked across the street, you remembered what it was like to be cowering on your knees in the dark, praying to gods you didn’t believe in for everything to be okay—as “okay” as things can get. Nothing would ever be the same again after that. But life’s a cruel mistress, and she leaves you behind if you don’t pick your head up and move your ass. You didn’t get the luxury of worrying or moping around in bed any longer. Violent crime happens to anybody at any time. You just had to accept it as best you could and rebuild yourself. It was time to be a big girl and put on your big girl pants. Either that or move back home, and like hell was that going to happen. 

Before you knew it, about a month had passed since Natsuya’s arrival. 

Things had changed a lot with him, whether or not you chose to acknowledge it. Feeling absurdly guilty over not giving your robo-roommate decent accommodation, you’d allowed him safe haven in your bedroom, with only a flimsy partition marking the boundaries between alive and not-alive. It was the least you could do for him. He seemed happy enough about it, joking that you at least hadn’t shoved him into the storage closet and called it a day. At first you were nervous to sleep, guarded, afraid of the being that didn’t _need_ sleep. But as time passed, it all boiled down to this: Natsuya was getting harder and harder for you to hate. 

It was a pretty simple path to resolution. You were going to burn out if you kept running circles in your head like “but he’s not a real human” and “isn’t he just faking everything anyways” or “what if he decides to kill me because he doesn’t have morals and is technically enslaved by the human race and develops an understanding of the abstract concept of revenge”. It was tiring enough just to put up with his regular antics. You decided, then and there, that you’d just _accept_ it. Him. Granted, you’d be taking it with a grain of salt or two, but you would treat Natsuya like a human. You would’ve thought that to be insane a month ago, but now it seemed like the obvious thing to do. He was human enough, wasn’t he? Maybe it _was_ just wired of him, but he was still a hell of a lot nicer than some “real” humans you knew. At the end of the day, you enjoyed his company. So what if his blood ran blue instead of red? 

(It did. He’d cut his palm on a loose barb of chicken wire once, and you’d never felt sicker looking at a simple wound. He took it in good fun and laughed at you, as always. You didn’t think you could ever forget that hue.)

Besides, most importantly, having a hottie android around was fucking _stellar_ for business. You weren’t sure when his reputation had taken off, but you were damn glad for it. Apparently, somebody had noticed him standing outside idling or something and uploaded his picture onto the Array, and you know how fast useless shit burns through the Cybernet. People immediately begun to line up down the street, hoping to catch a glimpse of the flirty fox of a flower shop bot.

“Red roses? And they aren’t for me? A pity.”

“Natsuya, you’re so funny!” the customer all but guffawed. Dreamily, he batted his eyelashes. “I wish I had one like you all to myself.”

“Aw, shucks. You make me feel special.” Natsuya grinned, leaning over the counter at your side while you wrapped up the customer’s bouquet. 

“Seriously, where’d you get him? I’m deadass going to buy me one for… personal use.” He licked his lips before turning to you. Embarrassed, you couldn’t help but feel very out of place in the conversation despite being directly addressed. Did you seriously have to third wheel your android?

“He was—”

“—one of a kind,” Natsuya interrupted smoothly, drowning out your pre-loaded default explanation about how your parents had found him on some bootleg third party seller. “Sorry. But if the lady ever kicks me out of her service, I’ll know where to find you.”

“Boo.” The tall man cradled the flowers in the crook of his arm and gave you a meaningful pout. “ _Please_ fire him. I’m begging you.”

“I’ll consider it. Thanks for coming! Swing by again.”

Natsuya followed him to the door, gently shutting it and locking it. He then turned and beamed at you.

“Full house today.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Business had been booming and you were being worked to the bone trying to handle this sudden influx of new expenses and product demand. But, better to be busy than not. It kept your mind off of things, off of _people_ (or person)… but also, the numbers stacking up in your bank account were a less than humbling pleasure. Money buys happiness, after all. This single month with Natsuya had raked in more revenue than any of the years you’d been struggling along by yourself. 

“No small thanks to you,” you mentioned while collapsing onto a stool in front of the counter. He might be irritating, but you gave credit where credit was due—especially when this one was racking up your credits like no tomorrow. 

“Hm?”

“What, you seriously want me to admit it out loud?” You rolled your eyes but decided to humour him, bowing your head. “Thank you for boosting the shop’s success because you’re pretty, Lord Natsuya, Sir.”

“Oh? I like the sound of that.” He came up beside you and leant back against the table, looking down at you with arms crossed over his broad chest. His smirk was slightly shadowy. “Are you jealous of all the attention I’m getting?”

“Why would I be jealous?” you laughed, but there was an unmistakable nervous drop in your heart. Its pulse thrummed irregularly in your fingers. You hadn’t exactly stopped to consider it, but weren’t you a little irrationally snappy at your own paying customers because they had come in to fawn over your robot companion? Of course he was hot—he had been designed on a sketchpad. Not even a designer baby with their genes coded in a petri dish gets that kind of luxury. You could break your face and put it back together all you want, but Natsuya was created from the start with the obvious purpose to be easy on the eyes. Of course that’d attract people’s attention. Of course they’d all act that way. But still, a part of you had to bite your tongue when you saw how they all swooned over him. Just because you understood didn’t mean you could kill the scaled dragon curling poisonously in your gut. 

“You admitted I was pretty.” He sounded like he was purposely prodding you, and a default scowl spread across your face. It was a defence mechanism to mask how embarrassing it was to be talking about this to his face. 

“Because I have _eyes_. Whatever. They don’t know how _annoying_ you can get. Some android you are.” You scoffed, squeezing your sore shoulder, using the motion to hide your sneaky glance up at his face. “Hey, was that part even true? You being one of a kind?”

“There’s about five DR-056s in circulation,” he said with a bored shrug. “So not as many as more popular models. But I guess there’s four others of me. I wouldn’t know where they are, though, unless I hunted them down on the Array or something.”

You’d seen a lot of ALiCE (Android Layman’s Caretaker Emulator) bots, one of the first humanoid androids to be deployed for public use. They acted as nannies for children, mostly, and you knew they were pretty affordable. There’d even been an “Alice” at your school when you were growing up. It was eerie to see so many clones of the same kind-faced woman walking around. Then there were those militant ones the rich used for their own protection, always huge like tanks and clad in all black. Humanoid androids were primarily distinguishable from humans by a button-like thing at their temple. Natsuya’s always glowed yellow, gently pulsating. But if he shifted his hair to cover it, you’d never know the difference. It got you thinking—most androids were designed solely to fill the role they were created for, right? Alices always had this creepy smile to make them more approachable for kids. So, what about him? 

“You’re here to be a bodyguard for me, but what were you actually made for in the first place? There’s five of you, but I have no idea what your purpose is.”

It was just an innocent question, you thought. No different than anything else you’d asked him before. But then both of his hands hit the table all of the sudden, caging you at your sides. You froze, a lost breath cold on the back of your tongue. You’d always noticed that he was tall, but suddenly, he dominated you, pressing you down into your seat. Your body was leaning back on its own accord and you winced when the counter edge dug into your spine. You couldn’t even find it in yourself to flinch—that would mean looking away from his amber eyes. This close, it looked like there were blood red veins streaked through the irises. But his blood was blue, you reminded yourself, though it hardly seemed relevant at the moment.

“I might just be an android with one purpose to you, but _you_ humans are more predictable than you think,” he breathed. His voice was a dangerously low snarl. You shuddered, a strong smell of something you couldn’t place muddling your thoughts. He leant forwards further still, sliding you further back into your seat as some sort of feeble escape attempt. “You made us to fill your needs. You act all high and mighty, like you’re so much better than us with this free will bullshit, but you’re all so _useless_. I could analyze your every weakness. I could _break_ you, and you’d never see it coming.”

“Wh-what the fuck are you talking about?!” Finally coming back to your senses, you pushed hard on his chest, scrambling off the stool and staggering to the side. It fell over, crashing with an ear-shattering _bang_. Obligingly, Natsuya stepped away and backed off, raising his hands in surrender.

“Nothing. Just saying; you should be more careful around things like me.”

You were paralyzed and couldn’t manage to say anything when he waved, meandering up the stairs like nothing had happened. Your heart was pounding furiously in your chest, not slowing even when you laid your hand over it. Your fingers trembled in a loose fist. You had shared your bed with a monster, made it, cared for it; and now, you must lie in it.

It took you a couple minutes to muster the strength to go upstairs. You couldn’t exactly sleep in the store, so it was just a matter of time. Standing outside the bedroom, you let loose a final sigh before marching inside, squaring your shoulders. Natsuya’s shadow through the paper partition was liminal; you saw blurry hazes moving around. Probably his hands while he did whatever weird robot shit he always did on the Array. 

“Good night!” you declared as loudly as you could manage, wishing your voice hadn’t broken halfway through. You hoped that showing him you weren’t afraid would undo whatever the hell _that_ had been downstairs, even if it was a lie. He’d been so self-assured, hovering over you: _I could break you._ Did he actually want to? Was it just some sort of roundabout warning? You had to believe it. Otherwise, the alternative… were you stupid to think he’d been different, somehow?

Natsuya’s hands slowed, and then you saw the shadow grow lighter as he backed away until you saw nothing at all. He did not reply.

You slept poorly in frightful silence.


	5. V - ANTIQUE BRONZE

It takes you a while to be the better—well, only—person, but you finally suck it up and accept that he’s just going to pretend that nothing ever happened. He never snapped at you again, nor did he seem to be walking on eggshells. The very next day it was like he’d never said anything at all and he was back to his regular flirtatious, cocky self. Did he purge it from his hard drive or something? You didn’t know, but what could you say about it to ask? It was probably best to let it go. Still, you just couldn’t shake the bad feeling.

_You should be more careful around things like me._

So, what’s the logical thing to do after that? Invite him to drinks, of course.

To be fair, it wasn’t like you had planned this. But your friends needed to bail after getting called in to work, and it’s not like you’re sad enough to go and drink all by your lonesome. Besides, you’ve already had a good enough experience with Natsuya at the beach that one time, so in a last-ditch kind of way, you hoped this might… er, increase staff camaraderie?

Ah, fuck it, let’s be honest. You just want to get hammered. It’s been a while. Besides, he’s technically your bodyguard, so it’s his _job_ to walk you home and make sure you’re safe. No harm, no foul.

“Can you even drink?” you asked after sitting down in a booth. You probably should’ve considered that earlier, seeing as Natsuya never eats with you on lunch breaks, and you don’t see him chugging oil or chewing on bolts or anything. Though you would’ve been surprised either way, having no clue how cyborg technology works, he nodded amicably.

“We don’t need it like humans do. I could go on forever just by electricity if I had to. But we’ve got the capacities to enjoy and digest food like the real deal.”

So he shits and pisses, too. _Fascinating_. Humans walked on the moon, created new elements, and used all that pride and knowledge to make sexy robots with functional bowels. You leant forwards, propping your head up in your hands as the two of you waited for the server to swing back around.

“Do you have a favourite food then?”

He shrugged. “Haven’t had many yet. Or…” Thoughtfully, he paused. “Anything at all. You’re my first employer out of the box, y’know.”

“I didn’t.” You sat back a little, shrinking, suddenly worrying if you weren’t living up to expectations. If he even had those. Did he feel resentful at all for having to be your work mule rather than the bodyguard of a supermodel or something? He laughed at your twisted expression, making your face burn with shame.

“Relax, girlie. Your empathy’s leaking out everywhere.”

“Empathy’s not a bad thing,” you snapped. His face tightened somewhat, and he distractedly picked at a grain in the wood.

“I guess.”

The mood seemed to slip. Hastily, you blurted out the first thing that came to mind, diverting an awkward silence.

“Y’know, I’ve been wondering—would you pass a CAPTCHA test? Like, ‘click all the squares with cars’ thing?”

He snorted. “ _That’s_ the burning question on your mind?”

“I’m a thinker.” You modeled yourself after the statue goofily, quietly relieved to see the small frown disappear from his face. “Sue me.”

“Physically, there’s nothing stopping me. But we’re all wired to fail them.”

“You’re serious? So, like, what, you try to click and…?”

“And my body won’t let me,” he confirmed with a shrug. “I can sit there and try the whole day, or use something to try and click the button for me, but I’ll just seize up. The woes of androidhood. Not that I’ve ever tried to lie, of course.” He winked before turning aside, flagging down a waitress.

You were learning so much more about him than you ever thought you would. When your dad had called, saying he’d gotten you a robot bodyguard, you thought you’d have some tin man roll around behind you, bumping into walls like an apologetic vacuum cleaner. But Natsuya was easy to talk to. More than that—you genuinely _wanted_ to talk to him. Honestly, you knew more about Natsuya than you did some real people you called your acquaintances. (Kinjou came to mind; you quickly diffused the thought with mental sage and vitriol. You’d promised yourself you wouldn’t waste any time on him anymore.) 

“I’ll get a beer, and the lady’ll have…”

“Whiskey.”

She marked it onto her notepad with a smile. “Coming right up.”

You could’ve gone to a bar with fully automated service and been drunk right this moment, but you liked the retro charm of this place instead. After she walked away, Natsuya raised his eyebrows at you.

“What?” you asked defensively.

“Nothing. Just doesn’t seem like your drink of choice.”

“Why not?” you shot back. “Am I not _manly_ enough?”

“Up for a challenge, then?” He leant across the table at you, and it took everything you had to stay where you were, ignoring the nervous prickling in your skin and the way the balls of your feet pressed into the floor. His grin almost looked evil.

“What kind of challenge?” you questioned, warily.

“Woman versus Machine.”

“I’ve already lost!” you retorted indignantly, thinking back to your sorry performance in the swimming competition. “Why would I ever try and go up against you in something? I’ll never win.”

“That might not be true. My body is equipped to filter alcohol out, and it’s not like we get toxicity poisoning, but I’m programmed to be a lightweight. I think that’s fair enough.”

“Are you kidding?” You couldn’t help but laugh in your shock. “Who sat there designing an android and thought _that_ was an important feature?”

He shrugged. “Ask him, not me. But you have to drink with me in the meantime.”

“Fine. Why not.” Despite a part of you wondering if this was a good idea, you pushed aside your hesitancy and reached out to take his hand, shaking it firmly. “You’re on; once I see that you’re not just fucking with me.”

“I never lie.” He flashed a charming smile before his eyes flashed like he’d remembered something. “What’s the winner get?”

You were too lazy to think of something, and the waitress was already back, setting the bottle before him and the glass in front of you. “Anything they want,” you offered.

He smirked. “Then, cheers.”

Glass clinked, and you drank your silly little monkey heart out.

\---

“How unfair is it that a _robot_ gets more fucked up than me… walk on your own damn feet, Natsuya!”

He hiccupped pleasantly in response. “It’s not my fault you drank sho much. Was jus’ matching you…”

“You’re not even actually drunk. You just _think_ you are. If you even have thoughts. Ugh!”

You staggered while shouldering his weight. Luckily, the bar was something like a two-minute walk away from your apartment, so it wasn’t like you had to run a drunk half-marathon just to get home. Still, as much as you’d love to, you couldn’t just ditch him in the road, and begrudgingly dragged him along. Natsuya was heavier than you’d expected him to be. It was slow going. And, even though you were buzzed enough yourself, you weren’t missing how closely he kept pressing his face to yours with his arm slung tight around your neck.

You don’t get it. He’s so… strange. Everything he does, he claims he was programmed to do, under another person’s will. But with the way he acts, the way he’s so strikingly _human_ , you’re starting to doubt that. Is it just excuses after all? What’s he really like? Can you even trust _that_? Maybe the drinks are getting to you and you’ve just accidentally forgotten he’s not a real person. But in a way, to you, he kind of _is_. 

And, just like with the half-excuses for men you’re addicted to, you want more. 

When you blink you’re somehow back in your room, apparently having blacked out the rest of the walk. Natsuya lay face up beside you in your bed, eyes shut contentedly as if he were a cat napping on a mantle. 

“Hey, Natsuya.”

With a small groan he opened his eyes. You rolled over onto your front, hooking your leg around his waist. His eyes flashed wide open when you suddenly pulled yourself on top of him, balancing your weight upright by placing your palms against his chest. 

“What’re you thinking right now?” you breathed. You took his hands and placed them on your hips, relishing in their coolness against the burning heat of your skin. In the dark, you could see that his own face was still flushed red. It brought out an even more handsome radiance to his chatoyant amber eyes. It complemented the warm yellow glow of that electronic circle etched into his temple. You wanted to know—what’s in his head behind that light? Is it just technology mimicking people, or can he do it? Is he different? Can he _feel_? 

“Don’t you know that AI don’t have thoughts?” He raised himself onto his elbows, sliding his hands up your hips to hold you at your waist. You shuddered, feeling how large his palms were. His eyes smoldered, but that heat gave you a chill. “We just act on command to please our masters.”

“I won,” you murmured distantly, hesitantly hooking your fingers beneath the collar of his shirt. This isn’t a good idea. This is a very, _very_ bad idea. You should stop. He should make you stop. But you swayed on your seat, staring at him, and he stared back at you. 

Aren’t you already used to making mistakes?

“So, I get whatever I want.”

“Yes,” he murmured, eyes flickering over your moving hands. You tightened your grip.

“Then, I command you… to please me.”


	6. VI - LOVE LETTER

You’re already used to this whole “fuck first, feelings later” shit, but you’ve never dealt with somebody who didn’t have real feelings before.

_People have sex with androids all the time,_ you told yourself as he peeled your shirt off your sweaty torso. One of the first androids manufactured in the good old days were sex dolls. Besides, if things went horribly wrong, you could just wipe his memory or something. No harm, no foul. It’s a hell of a lot safer than fucking around with strangers, and at least Natsuya’s not going to break your heart like a certain somebody. You won’t let him.

This time around, at least. 

His palms were cool against your stomach and it made you shudder violently. Was he programmed to do this, too? A part of you tried to tell him to stop, that you’ve changed your mind, had a poor lapse in judgement; the words end up lodged behind your tongue as he forces his own down your throat.

The hazy flush of alcohol made everything feel amplified. Playfully, he nipped your tongue, earning himself a gasp of pleasure-pain. Holy _shit_ , he’s good at this. He’s got to be a virgin if he’s fresh out the box, so—wait, no. You’re thinking about it too much. The more you thought, the worse you’d feel, so you just shut off your brain and threw yourself into kissing him back. 

You didn’t know what you were expecting, and that terrified you so much it managed to turn you on in some sick sense of anticipatory excitement. Every other man followed the same boring routine. You’d fiddle around with his ugly looking dick, go missionary, go doggy or something else equally humiliating, _maybe_ come if you’re lucky (usually not; in either case, you had to pretend to have a world-shattering orgasm to save his fragile ego), and go on with your life. But what do you do with a robot—no, not just ‘a robot’ anymore. What do you do with _Natsuya_? His personality was easy-going, but you hadn’t forgotten the way he’d caged you in, whispering _I could break you…_ Was he just hiding something behind that smile of his?

A whimper was forcibly torn from your lips when his hand suddenly dove under your skirt, rudely bypassing the thin fabric of old underwear you’ve ridden far past its expiration date. In all fairness, you didn’t exactly jot fucking Natsuya into your schedule for today, so you hadn’t prepared at all. His fingers rubbed against your clit almost reverently. You couldn’t stand the sudden over-stimulation of being paid attention to for once and your hips bucked up into his touch. Your hands scrabbled at his forearms for purchase, unformed words at the back of your mouth. With a disgustingly lustful growl, Natsuya curled his fingers so hard against the back of your nerves that you very nearly came on the spot. And you did, soon after—there was something in the way he stared down at you, glassy-eyed and expressionless, like _of course_ you were going to fucking cream yourself all over him. It was clockwork.

You didn’t even realize when you’d ended up on top of him, but you’ve grabbed his arms, holding him down into your sheets. His skin was still flushed from that fucked up alcohol filter he’s got. It brings out the autumn hues in his eyes. Brown hair with salt-kissed curls fell messily over his face, doe-eyed and lovely, and you’re stricken with such an intense onslaught of emotions that the only way you can deal with it is to fuck them out of yourself. 

For once, you don’t have to worry about the liability of a condom break, and the peace of mind was already in a league of its own. Besides, whoever made him had given him a commendably-sized cock, to put it bluntly. It reached inside of you in all the right ways, deep ways you’ve never felt before with yourself or even other guys. It’s going to drive you off a cliff and you already know it. You lost your shame completely, leaning forwards onto your hands to rock back and forth. When you got tired of bouncing, gasping for air, he easily swept you onto your back without pulling out. His hands were in yours, fingers tightly weaved, and for a second it felt genuinely intimate. Like you were truly joined in spirit. Then he basically steamrolls you into oblivion, and you are forcibly reminded that androids don’t get tired. You are _fucked_. 

Literally.

“Shit, _fuck_!” you shrieked, losing all sense of any other coherent words. You’re locked in some sort of demonic seizure, your thighs desperately squeezing his cool hips to pull him even deeper inside of yourself. He goes fast and hard and your eyes are rolled back into your head, chest pressed tightly against his, teeth sunk so deep into his shoulder you might start tasting blue. You’ve never had sex this _good_ , ever. Is this what sex is always supposed to feel like? It’s cheap to have to learn it from somebody who’s not even human, but maybe that’s why it feels right in its wrongness. You’ve got tears streaming down your face and you can’t even say your own name anymore because you’re choking on moans, but it feels _good_.

(In time, you might wonder if you felt this way because you genuinely liked him. That the only reason you responded so intensely in the physical plane was because emotionally, you were starting to fall for him, and you had never felt that before for another person—an imitation of one or not.)

“Had enough?” he teased. Even after all that, he never lost his shit eating grin. Your head lolled on the lumpy mattress, pillow gone somewhere—you’d probably flung it off in your extreme orgasm daze or something. When you didn’t reply, because you physically couldn’t, Natsuya leant down to give you a feather-light kiss on your jaw. And, for some reason, it made you want to cry.

“Wait,” you called out hoarsely after he tucked you back into bed. You pulled yourself up out of your blankets, ignoring the dull-slash-sharp aches and throbs in your body. Your shirt hung loosely off your body as you reached out for him. “Sleep with me.”

“I don’t need to sleep.”

“I don’t care.” You felt like a child, but you’d already lost your dignity, so what else did you have to lose? Your hand closed around his. “I want you to sleep with me.”

He exhaled softly, something like a laugh, but obediently sat down beside you. With an affectionate touch that might’ve surprised you if you were a bit more present, he smoothed sweaty hair back from your forehead, lowering you back into your recovered pillows.

“You want me to wait ‘till after you’re asleep?” he asked.

“No,” you demanded, grabbing his wrist and touching his palm to your cheek. “I just want you to stay with me. Don’t go; please?”

“Okay.” His fingers were warm against your skin, and you felt them press into you, reminding you that he was real. You finally stopped fighting your eyelids and let them close completely. You felt his pulse throb in his wrist. One. Two. One. Two. It lulled you into absolution. There was no justifiable reason for you to be so clingy to your robot, but for some unfathomable reason that was most certainly not _love_ , you wanted to stay close to him. 

Is that so bad?


	7. VII - CYPRUS UMBER

It’s like God created humans to be lonely.

You try not to dwell on the delicacies of philosophy, knowing you’ll just get sucked into a cyclic debate with no satisfying answer. But the emotions linger ever-still, because as much as we pretend to be higher beings, people are just stupid monkeys at heart.

“Natsuya?” you whispered, your mouth moving before your eyes could even open. Your throat is sore from over-use, your tongue’s heavy from a hang-over in bloom, and everything seems all too bright. You squinted at an empty divot in your pillows. Shooting up with a sudden rush of adrenaline, you looked around your room wildly. You’d been a little too preoccupied last night to close your blinds and sunlight flooded the small space, only serving to illuminate your solitude. There was nobody else in the room with you. Just looking around, it seemed like nobody had ever been here at all. The only hint that last night wasn’t a figment of your imagination was the smell of toasted umber in the air. Natsuya’s smell. 

Well, fuck. Your fingernails hurt as they dug into your palms. You should’ve known better than to be hopeful. What had you been wishing for in the first place? That he’d be all curled up next to you, his arms wrapped around you like you were a treasure to him? _Special_? Come on; he’s not even _human_. Would you really be happy with that?

It’s just a matter of biology, you told yourself as you sunk back into your bed. People are social creatures, so all this bullshit is just your brain chemistry coming out of whack. As much as you insisted on living alone and making your own way, you missed your parents. You never liked to admit it because it made you feel like some sort of lost child, but you mother’s cooking and father’s friendly laugh seemed so far out of reach. You’re not grown up. You’re just the same kid you’ve always been. But thinking about it made your heart hurt, so you tried not to. Just like everything, when it hurt, you turned away. When it felt good, you ran towards it, head down. You’re easy that way, aren’t you? The counterfeit oxytocin of being held by a warm body was hooking you like any other street drug circulating out there. It’s nothing special. It’s hallucination. So really, it’s not your fault. 

What _is_ 100% your fault is when the bell jingles downstairs, and you take off running before you even have time to register what’s happening.

“Natsuya!” you cried out breathlessly as you scrambled half-way down the stairs. You’re still missing a bra, your t-shirt’s hiked up your thighs, your hair’s a tangled bird’s nest, your face is streaked with last-night’s tears—but you don’t even care. You run. He looked up at you with an eerily unreadable countenance.

“Heya, girlie. Good afternoon. You sure slept in.”

“Where were you?” you demanded brazenly, ignoring his upbeat tone. Your heart was beating out of your chest. Natsuya gave you a curious once-over instead of replying. The silence was deafeningly, incredibly loud. Then, he set down a handful of full plastic bags you hadn’t even noticed him carrying.

“I went grocery shopping for you since you looked like you needed some rest. I got everything you put on the list.” He tapped his temple. A feeling you couldn’t quite place swept through you. 

“…oh. Oh. Okay.”

“[Name]?!”

He sounded genuinely concerned when you abruptly sank to your feet, your knees giving way. He ran up to your seat on the stairs, checking over your body with careful hands (all too different from the hands of yesterday), probably scanning your biometrics or whatever weird robo-shit he does. You buried your face in your hands, not wanting him to see your expression.

“I thought you left me,” you whispered brokenly when you felt him touch your shoulder. The shame crashed over you like ocean waves pummeling you into the sand. How embarrassing did you have to be to panic over your android going deviant and abandoning you? No—how _stupid_ did you have to be to have abandonment issues over a scrap heap? You never should’ve woken up at all.

“I wouldn’t leave you,” he soothed, the traces of his debonair attitude tempered into something that sounded almost kind. His hand felt like it was burning a splayed palm shape into your back. You were so oddly relieved that you couldn’t bear to take your mask away, afraid of how he was looking at you—or rather, afraid of how you’d react when you saw _him_. Your breaths came in shaky puffs.

“Then… you’ll stay with me?” Finally, you let your hands fall away, showing him the vulnerability in your eyes. You could remember last night like it was grooved into you. _Don’t go. Please._ Parts of you were screaming to stop, but you couldn’t. You just couldn’t stop yourself when it came to him.

“Yes.” He was smiling. Was he trained for this situation? What kinds of ones and zeroes were whirling through the chip locked in his skull? When he looked at you, did he see the same thing you saw in the mirror? Your thoughts felt like they ran idly in the background as you numbly allowed him to caress your face with soft fingertips. When he leaned in, you held your breath, thinking he might kiss you. His words ghosted over your lips. “I’ll stay as long as you like.”

“Another five.” You reached up and pressed his hands to your cheek, melting into the touch. Your eyelashes fluttered shut as you felt his warmth seep into your skin. 

“I’ll stay forever if you’ll let me.”

There’s so much to be said and nothing at all to say. You know it’s wrong, and somewhere, he has to know, too. How would it ever work? How would you explain yourself?

But right now, you don’t care. Right now, you’re wrapped up in Natsuya—not DR-056, but _Natsuya’s_ arms. He’s solid. Physical. Metaphysical, real, and you’re scared of him and yourself and what you might become—but right now, you don’t fucking care. You run towards him, chin up.


	8. VIII - RAW SIENNA

Is it really okay to be doing this?

You feel like you’re committing a crime for some reason every time you think of Natsuya. You don’t know _what_ is wrong about it, exactly, but it’s foreign to you and itches in all the wrong ways. You’ve closed the shop for the day, citing a hangover you only kind of have, but maybe that was a mistake seeing as you now have nothing to distract yourself with. He’s happily reading one of your books you haven’t touched in years, paging through it at a regular rate despite the fact that he could probably breeze through it with a photographic lens or something. You only have a couple hard-copies, seeing as these days, everything’s digital-or-die. You don’t actually know what book it is, only having bought it for its antique charm. It’s weathered, yellowed, and close to disintegrating on the spot. It’s a strange relic to be juxtaposed in the ultra-modern android’s hands. You watched him distantly, feeling hazy. You’re the one who asked him to stay, so why are you getting antsy because he’s here?

A human and a robot. You’re like the living antithesis to the morals of every movie ever made. Even as people got more and more adapted to having androids around in every-day life, there was that blurry line between “cool” and “not cool”. Fucking sex-bots to get off without worrying about things like attachment or unwanted pregnancy was “cool”. People acted out _crazy_ fantasies in the Red Light District, according to rumours on the dark side of the net. Still, you’re pretty sure getting railed by your hot robo-slave thing doesn’t count as “cool”. Yet he never seems unhappy about it. In fact, has he ever said anything unprompted?

“Hey,” you immediately prompted, feeling like you were about to blow if you didn’t do something about the negative emotions whirling ‘round in your head. “Natsuya.”

“Hm,” he replied, his eyes flickering up to yours before they returned to the book. 

“What do you like about me?”

You might as well be direct about it. Beating around the bush wasn’t going to get you anywhere. If he was surprised by the question, though, he didn’t show it, and instead flipped a page with cued precision.

“You want me to be specific?” Ugh, even that dodgy response was like him.

“I… I dunno. Just answer the question.” You rolled over onto your stomach to face him, burying half of your face into pillows so he couldn’t read your expression. He flipped yet another page.

“Okay… then, I like you ‘cause I can’t understand you.”

You felt your brow furrow and you were already asking before you could pause to process. “What?”

He closed the book and propped his head up onto a knee, looking up at you closely from his place on the floor. “Humans are special. They’re strange, they’re fragile, and they’re stupid. We all know that. Even humans know that. But still…” He looked at his hands, flexing them. “You drink alcohol, which is a toxin that kills you. You jump off cliffs into the ocean for _fun_. You make all these laws and systems and then break them so easily. You fight amongst yourselves and start wars, but in the middle of it… you also find love.”

His eyes were burning so brightly into you that you felt sick.

“So I guess I’m glad to have met you, [Name]-chan. You’re different.”

“…okay.” 

“Aw.” He smirked, ruining the moment of intimacy like he’d thrown a hammer through glass. “Did that make you shy?”

“No. It was a shitty answer. You’re just supposed to tell me I’m pretty!” You threw a pillow at him that he caught deftly. He was laughing, and for a scary moment, you didn’t first stop to think if he was programmed to do that, or what motherboards were making his diaphragm spasm, or if it was _real_ —you just laughed along with him.

Maybe it’s not okay. Maybe it’s wrong by the laws of the universe or God’s plan or whatever. Maybe other people will call you a heretic for wanting to be closer to something not human. But humans crafted him, didn’t they? It’s not like he’s an alien. People birthed him from mind rather than body—besides that, what’s the difference? Natsuya’s flawed, just as any other person is, but he’s also kind. It’s more than you’ve ever gotten from any other man before.

“It’s your turn,” he said after you surrendered, tired from your attempts to beat the smug look off his face with your pillow. “What do you like about me?”

“That’s…” You had ideas, but none you were willing to share. You hardly wanted to acknowledge them yourself. “A secret.”

“What?” He pouted. “I told _you_. That’s not fair.”

“Humans aren’t fair.” You winked coquettishly. “Live and learn, Bot Boy.”

“Fine.” He sighed as he lay down beside you heavily. His arm was warm as it wrapped around you. You didn’t fight it off, even if your body stiffened at first. You were quick to relax into him afterwards. It was comfortable for a moment—until the fingers drifted down your body. You shivered as they dipped onto the lines of your curves, unearthing memories like they’d been locked under the skin. He leant forwards, hair tickling your cheek, his voice a low purr in your ear.

“Looks like I’ll just have to torture it out of you.”

“Ah— _no!_ I’m ticklish! Wait, _please_ —”

Easy like Sunday morning. You wished you could live in this moment forever.

(You never know that you’re making memories until it’s passed, and you live with the heavy burden of regret. Isn’t that just part of the human experience?)


	9. IX - BURNT ORANGE

Now that it’s all said and done, what now?

No matter how much you try to convince yourself to just let it go, the anxiety remains. After all, he’s _not human_. That was never going to change, no matter how realistic he could be. No matter how good he is in bed…

You smacked yourself in the forehead. Serious thoughts, [Name], not whore thoughts.

It’s not like he could ghost you if you do tell him you like him. In a dark kind of way, he’s bound to you by contract, so even if you humiliate yourself he’s not allowed to make fun of you for it. But then what would be the point of telling him anything?

“[Name].”

And have you even sorted your feelings out enough to be admitting them in the first place? You know you like him the way you’ve had crushes on other guys before, but maybe this is just that kind of infatuation you feel with pretty characters in those animated films instead of real love. But could you argue that it’s the same as ‘love’? After all, your feelings are pretty strong about it one way or the other. Still, you won’t be able to take it back. You want to be absolutely sure.

“Hey, [Name]-chan.”

Maybe you shouldn’t say anything at all. That’d be the safer, obvious choice. There’s time for it later, isn’t there? If it’s really _real_ , then it would just come up naturally. You can hardly think of a benefit besides getting the heavy weight off your chest, so—

“Agh!”

Natsuya lowered the hose smugly, looking not at all sorry for power-washing your face. You stared back at him, sopping wet, the shock of the cold water numbing you into blank silence. 

“What the fuck was that for?!” you howled after coming back to yourself, shivering like you had no control over your body. The store wasn’t actually open today because it was a holiday, so you were just doing your regular maintenance work. You didn’t doubt that he’d do this to you even if there were customers, though. 

“You weren’t paying attention to me.”

“Oh, is that all?” you grumbled. “Don’t be needy.”

You stormed to the back room to grab a towel to dry your hair off. It was a bad idea to turn your back on him—he followed behind you too closely for you to slip away, and when you turned around, you saw that he’d shut the door behind himself. The lock’s click seemed echoes louder than it really was. The apprehension felt even colder than the chill on your skin, and you felt petrified in place as he eyed you like a predator stalking its prey.

“Is something wrong?” he asked after a long pause.

You blinked. It made sense that he’d be perceptive, but you didn’t think he could be adept at picking up those very human things like emotion. How much had he been able to read about you that you weren’t comfortable with him knowing?

“Everything’s fine,” you lied, twisting water out of your hair. Your hands were shaking.

“You’re distracted and making pouty faces.” He stepped forwards and placed his hand on your cheek, making you flinch. It had a warmth to it that felt far too familiar and comforting to be from something manufactured. He eased your head upwards so that you were forced to look at him. “I’m supposed to be here for you. You can tell me anything.”

When he put it like that, so sincerely and direct, you couldn’t help but struggle to hold yourself back. No guy that you’d been interested in had ever shown this side to you before: a vulnerable, raw, open compassion. There was no malice in Natsuya’s eyes; only concern. Your bottom lip trembled and you were speaking before you could stop yourself.

“I… I’ve been wondering if I should say something to you.”

It’s half fear of him, half fear of yourself. You’ve never exactly been gifted in the world of love. You don’t… _know_ , exactly, what it’s like to be loved back unconditionally. Isn’t that sad? Kinjou’s your fuckbuddy and you’ve been chasing him for _God_ knows how long, desperately lapping up traces of affection like a starving stray. What if you say “I love you” and get hurt all over again? You barely know how human men work, so do you dare treading the waters of android men?

“You should just get it off your chest.” He shrugged, taking his hand away and crossing his arms over his chest. Your skin tingled with his absence. He leant back onto a shelf, facing you, and he seemed to be waiting patiently. You felt like your heart was going to fail in your chest. Wouldn’t that be funny? You shutting down right in front of him?

“Um, so… uh… Natsuya, I…” You grimaced. You hated yourself for this sorry performance. What were you even stuttering on? You should just up and say it, like he said. But every time you opened your mouth, your vocal cords would freeze. _I like you_. It’s a few incredibly simple words, but you just can’t seem to—

“I love you.”

Your eyes flashed.

“What?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted to say?” He grinned light-heartedly. “I knew for a while.”

“But—how? Wait, _what_?”

“It’s classic behaviour.” He tapped his temple, where the circular yellow light pulsed faintly. “Avoidance, flushing of the skin, increased heart rate, dilated pupils… it’s sweet of you.”

“Oh.” Your face felt so hot and you felt so _stupid_. If he’d known all along, what was the point of you saying anything? What were you even struggling with? “Well, yeah. That’s that, then.”

“D’you want me to say ‘I love you’ back?” he asked, and you suddenly felt sick in the face of his teasing tone. “I can if you want me to.”

“Why would you ask me that?” you breathed, the cold of the water seeping into your bones. It was like you’d detached from your body and you were a ghost watching your shell speak. “It doesn’t mean anything if I tell you to.”

“Well… yeah. ‘Love’ doesn’t mean anything to me.”

You swallowed thickly. You should’ve expected this. Actually, you _had_ , but you’d been naïve and hoped that maybe it wouldn’t turn out this way ‘just because’. Doesn’t the power of love always win? But you’re from this world, and he’s not, and he could— _would_ —never love you the way you wanted. You were a fool for even wishing it might be different because you were ‘special’ or something. You’re not, and he’s made it clear.

“Get out of my way.”

“Hey, what’s wrong? I thought—”

“Get the fuck out of my way!” you snapped, feeling the tears build behind your eyes. Using the force of stubbornness alone, you held them at bay. You were determined not to let him see you cry. He stared at you for a moment before quietly stepping to the side, allowing you to free yourself and bolt up to your room. You slammed the door shut behind you and collapsed to the floor in a mess of sobs and disappointment. Serves you right for thinking, even for a single second, that things would go well for you. 

Despite it, you hoped you might hear footsteps. You hoped that you’d look up, gasping for breath, and he’d be there, gently taking you into his arms. You hoped that he’d brush the hot tears off your cheeks with his thumbs and kiss your lashes. You hoped that he’d hug you so tightly you’d be shielded from the world and it would be just you and him in a bubble, together—but he didn’t come.


	10. X - PRIMAVERA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: this chapter depicts graphic sexual assault.

“I only said it to make you happy, y’know.”

“Okay. Thanks.” You slammed the compost bag down with slightly more force than you needed to, staring at the black dirt that immediately began to ooze out of the split seam. You sighed and turned to get the broom, but Natsuya cut you off, toeing in front of you so you couldn’t pass.

“Why aren’t you, then?” he insisted, like a boy in kindergarten upset that you were mad at him for perfectly understandable reasons. Even artificial men were useless in the art of tact.

“I don’t know, Natsuya!” you exploded, before sighing deeply, recollecting yourself. “I don’t know. I guess I’m not too keen on fake confessions from a fake human. And I guess it also feels bad to hear you say you only said it because of something else, not because you meant it. Sorry.”

“Well… how do I make things better?”

He seemed genuinely apologetic this time, his eyes bright and sorrowful. Your heart jittered, but you forced yourself to turn away. You’d gotten yourself into this shit show in the first place because you’d dove into those amber pools without thinking. It was time to keep the distance you should’ve been keeping in the first place. 

“Just give me some space, okay? Please.”

“…okay.” He finally stepped aside. You snatched up your broom and swept up your shitty, shitty mess. But it felt like no matter how hard or how much you tried to clean, there were still traces to remind you of what had happened. It’s not like everything’s going to turn up daisies just because you want them to. You sighed and ignored the feeling of being watched.

\---

Natsuya disappeared the minute you’d started closing the store. It’d been pretty busy today what with the national holiday, so you would’ve appreciated him sticking around to do his one and only job, but you didn’t have the heart to call him back. You were still packing supplies away when the bell at the door jangled. You’d forgotten to lock it, being so absent-minded.

“Sorry,” you called, poking your head up from behind the counter. “We’re closed—”

“Naw, even for me?”

Something clattered as it fell to the floor. You barely even heard it, blood pooling out of your face, rushing in your ears like riptides.

“Kinjou…?”

He grinned, wide and full of teeth. It’d been months since you had last seen or even heard from him. In fact, the very last memory you had of him was tied to the day Natsuya showed up on your stoop. The chill rippled down your skin like a coat of cold water. He looked just the same as ever, with tangerine orange hair spiked all douchebaggedly and angular golden eyes violating you through sight alone. His gold was different from Natsuya’s warm, honey hue. It was cold. Shearing, gaudy metal. 

“I won the tourney overseas!” he bragged emphatically, looking around your flower shop. His smile faded into a disdainful look. “Just came back last month. …sheesh. It’s still a shithole here, [Surname].”

“Thanks,” you replied sarcastically, gripping the fabric of your apron apprehensively. “What do you want?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He looked genuinely surprised as he walked up to you. “I thought you’d be happier. I’m a fuckin’ hot commodity, y’know. You should be _grateful_ I decide to waste my time with you.”

You’re _the one who showed up_ here, you thought to yourself irritably, but you kept your mouth shut. You finally realized why he’d even bother sauntering back after all this time. He was right—it _should_ have been obvious. It wasn’t like he’d want anything else from you. The sting of rejection added salt to your wounds. 

“I’m not in the mood,” you muttered coldly. And it was the truth. After being tossed around by Natsuya like a fun human toy to poke and prod, you didn’t need to be trampled upon by Kinjou, too. At least Natsuya was just an android who couldn’t help not understanding the human psyche. Kinjou was just a bona fide homo sapiens asshole.

“You’re not in the—damn, bitch. What’ve you been up to while I was gone?” Kinjou sneered down at you. You resisted the urge to flinch or recoil and stood your ground, looking up defiantly.

“I moved on,” you replied simply. “You can find another fuckbuddy. I’m sure they’re not hard to come by since you’re a ‘hot commodity’.”

“You’re turning _me_ down?” he asked wondrously, almost like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. You almost felt kind of sorry for him. He was so up his own ass and selfish that he’d never been rejected before? It felt kind of nice to have the upper hand for once.

For _once_ …

“Hey!” you yelped, a stab of pain searing through you as Kinjou suddenly wrapped his hand around your wrist. It felt like he was going to rip your arm out of its socket as he dragged you behind him mercilessly. You planted your feet, but he was strong enough to pull you anyways. “ _Hey_! Stop it!”

“I’m going to put your head right. You’ll thank me later. Stop fucking pulling!” He was dragging you towards the stairs to your bedroom. Your heart dropped to the floor like a little rock. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ You had always known that Kinjou was unhinged, but in your stupid little daydreams you thought you could _fix_ him and it’d be all rainbows and sunshine. Like he had this ‘tough’ side and you could nurture him to crack, only for you. Like you were _special_ to him or something. You never thought he’d be cruel enough to resort to rape.

“I’m going to call the police!” you warned, still struggling to wrench your hand free. Your panic made everything feel like it was moving so fast. “I’ll scream, so let go of me!”

“Yeah, scream all you want, you filthy whore.” He yanked you into the wall, your head bouncing off the plaster with a sick thud. It felt like your brain was spinning in whirlpools and you were definitely seeing double. He’d taken both of your wrists and pinioned them above your head, grips so tight you felt like no blood was getting to your fingers. “You been fucking other guys? Huh? Missed me so much you had to spread your legs for any loser that comes by?”

“I’m telling you to back the fuck off!” you screamed, tears in your eyes. You tried to kick him away from you, but he was a trained athlete and easily dodged your foot. He grabbed you by the waist and hauled you over his shoulder like you’d throw a sack of dirt. 

“ _No_!” you screamed, kicking and thrashing. How could one guy be so damn strong? You were going to be in real trouble if he got you to your room. You held onto anything you could—the railing, the wall corner—feeling your nails catch and bleed. “Help me! _Help me_!”

Nobody was coming. You were all alone again. You remembered Arden, frail and broken on the ground. Alone. _Alone_. Your heart was beating out of your chest. Somebody needed to save you. Anybody. 

_Natsuya_.

_What’s a trait that all heroes share?_

You were crumpled on the ground all of the sudden, retching and wheezing for air. You remembered to scramble away when you realized you’d been freed and crawled to the inside of your bedroom, shakily clinging onto the door to steady yourself. You were ready to slam it shut, but the sight caught your gaze. It suspended you in horror.

Kinjou was taller and broader. Natsuya should’ve been at a disadvantage. When had he even gotten here? It was almost like a scripted fight scene—Kinjou tried to punch Natsuya with his fist, only to have it grabbed and used as a lever to be thrown onto the floor. With a tight grip on the same hand, Natsuya ripped Kinjou’s arm behind his back, stepping on Kinjou’s body while pulling hard. Nausea rolled over you as you heard a _crunch_ accompanied by Kinjou’s scream.

“Get the fuck off of me!” he shrieked. “Let go!”

Natsuya stared down at him expressionlessly.

All you wanted was to close the door and pretend this had never happened. Like if you could just avert your gaze, things would be fine again. Every time you took a breath of air, it felt like it wasn’t enough. You were drowning and sinking and all you could do was watch as Natsuya tried to kill Kinjou. You’d had enough of it. You wanted to be done. 

“No,” you breathed, tears rolling down your cheeks. It felt like you were just mouthing it, but with your heart, you shouted to him. “Let him go.”

Natsuya seemed to hear you and looked over curiously. The murderous glow faded away as he met your gaze, expression softening. In that moment of hesitation, Kinjou stole his opportunity and scrambled out from under Natsuya’s foot. He hugged his arm to his chest and glared at him, then you.

“You’re gonna fuckin’ regret this,” he warned shakily, red in the face. “I’m a national swimmer. I’m _insured_. I’m going to make your shitty fucking life miserable.” Glowering at Natsuya, he seemed to finally notice the gently pulsing circle engraved into his temple. His eyes flashed as he stepped back. He was stuttering like he never had before. “I’m—I’m going to make you w-wish you’d never been put together. You fucking hunk of shit. I’m gonna make sure they torture you before they blow your motherboard out.” He spat at Natsuya’s face.

“Kin…” Your voice died in your throat as he hurriedly scampered away. You heard his heavy footsteps thump down the stairs before the door slammed. Then, finally… silence.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Natsuya knelt beside you, gently cradling you to his chest. You shouldn’t have wanted to be touched at all, but you gratefully looped your arms around his neck and wept while hanging off of him. It was like a floodgate had dropped and all you could do was expel everything you were feeling, trembling and sobbing into his embrace like your body couldn’t contain everything. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner,” he soothed.

“No… thanks for coming.” You hiccupped pathetically, peeling yourself off of him to mop up your tears. He smiled down at you with a kindness that seemed so unbecoming of the being that had just mercilessly stepped on a human being with the intent to kill moments ago. You blocked out the image and gave him a weak smile. “You saved me.”

“I shouldn’t have let it happen in the first place.”

“Well… what’s done is done.” Your bottom lip trembled, but you forced yourself to keep talking, struggling to hold onto a conversation that almost felt normal. “Where were you?”

“I wanted to surprise you with something. I went to go get it.”

“Oh. What was it?”

He almost looked embarrassed and quickly glanced away. “Let me get you to bed first.”

“No, I wanna see.”

“Okay, I’ll show you after you rest.”

You tried to stand by grabbing onto the doorknob to haul yourself up. But your legs still felt too weak. Natsuya wasted no time in scooping you up off of the ground. Unlike Kinjou throwing you around like a thing, Natsuya lifted you like you were a princess. Funny how the man objectifies you, and the object humanizes you.

Once you cozied up in your bed, Natsuya left something on your night stand. But between the crying and the trauma, your head was in a fog, and your eyelids were so heavy you could no longer fight to keep them open. You felt something warm press to your forehead before his footsteps receded. You almost reached out for him to stay, but you’d already succumbed to a restless sleep.

When you woke up, you saw a bouquet of daisies resting on the table. You’d never told him that daisies were your favourite. He’d gone out of his way to get you, a florist, flowers so that you’d be surprised.

_“Well… how do I make things better?”_

You smiled faintly, rubbing the silky petals between your fingers. Picking up the bouquet, you hugged it gently to your chest, closing your eyes and imagining him.

_They’ll come when you need them, but go when you want them._


	11. XI - RED OCHRE

“You have to run.”

Natsuya’s fingers paused in your hair. You couldn’t stomach the idea of looking at him right now, so you kept your eyes closed, feeling him through touch alone. It’s like you can sense him next to you, which is so undeniably strange—how do you feel so connected to something without a soul?

“I won’t, [Name]-chan.”

The cutesy Japanese honourific, long since out-dated, sweetly honeyed in his calm voice makes you open your eyes. Your eyelids drift with Sunday morning laziness. You could lie here letting Natsuya braid daisies into your hair until you died, happy, but you can’t. Touching his wrist, you felt the monotonous pulse beneath your fingertips. Whispering, it was like words alone couldn’t let him feel the pain within your heart.

“If you don’t go, they’ll _kill_ you.”

He smiled kindly in response. “I made you a promise. I said I’d never leave.”

You sat up sharply, disturbing his progress and feeling petals cascade down your arm. Frantically, you clung to his shirt. “If I release you from my service, won’t you go? You have to! Otherwise… otherwise you’ll…!”

He moved his gentle touch to your face, cupping it in his huge palms. _Stop_. You resisted the sleepy urge to close your eyes again, powerless to resist the wells of tears that beaded like pearls on a string as you looked into his eyes.

“It’ll be okay. I have you, don’t I?” He thumbed your cheek, the way an older brother might bug you. You couldn’t stand the intimacy of it—not now, when you were on the precipice of losing it all.

“I don’t get you,” you whispered, raising your hands to his. You kept them locked with yours as you pulled away, shaking your head. “Shouldn’t you have some semblance of self-preservation?”

“I don’t think so. That’s meant for living things.” He splayed his fingers, hooking yours through his so they were more tightly intertwined. When you looked at his face, you noticed he was staring down at your hands, a confused expression worn on his handsome features. “I don’t understand me either, to be perfectly honest.”

“What do you mean?”

“I… don’t _want_ to leave.” He raised his head slowly, looking almost pathetic. “I’ve never understood why you humans can be so illogical. You’re right. It makes sense I should jump ship before the police deactivate me, yeah? But I just don’t want to go. Anywhere else I go wouldn’t have you.” He scoffed despite his self-deprecating grin. “I never understood humans until I started to think like one. Now I get it.” He let go of one hand and touched his palm to his chest, grabbing the fabric of his shirt so the tension lines radiated out like sun rays. “I get it, and… it hurts.”

“Natsuya…” The words caught in your throat, but you forced them out anyways. “You can come back for me. It doesn’t mean forever. You have to go. I’m begging—ordering you.”

“Mm.” He lifted your hands and begun to kiss each fingertip. “No. I think deviancy is just a part of me.”

“You _are_ kind of a rotten guy,” you joked, hoping it might make you forget that police were going to be storming your door to get rid of the ‘Dangerous Species’ any second. Natsuya laughed, and for a second, you really did forget.

“I mean it. DR-056’s have it in our code. We don’t like to do things by the rules… probably why the line’s been discontinued. I might be one of the last few ever manufactured.”

“Wait, really?” You settled in your bed more comfortably, looking over him with curiosity. It was obvious that you sitting here asking him to go away over and over wasn’t working, so you had to entertain him until you figured something else out. “No wonder you were cheap.”

“Hey, I’ve got good taste!” he argued playfully. His expression softened. “I got to be with you. Nothing’s better than that.”

“Is the flirting a bug in your code, too?” you asked snidely, hiding your pain. He seemed to know anyways, but it wasn’t like you were doing a very good job of hiding your emotions. Natsuya’s hands slid from your hands, up your arms, returning to your face like they belonged there. He twitched. it was an oddly uncertain move for a being that moves entirely on algorithm.

“What?” you breathed, feeling an unspeakable tension. His brow furrowed with concern.

“I want to kiss you,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I should.”

Your heart fluttered, and you licked your lips, mouth dry. “Yeah, you’re right. You probably shouldn’t.”

Neither of you moved away from each other.

“I think there’s something wrong inside of me too,” you murmured, your own head inching forwards like it was being held back but couldn’t be stopped. His eyes slowly became more and more cross-eyed as he watched you come closer. “Because why else would I want you this badly?”

“[Name].”

“I know. It’s probably not the time.” The bruises Kinjou left all over you flashed hotly, but you drew closer still. “But don’t you feel it?”

You didn’t say what you were feeling. As if you even knew. A pull? A spark between minds? Simple lust? But Natsuya swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and nodded. You felt his nose brush against yours.

“I feel it too.”

The kiss almost hurt because it felt so good. You’d gotten your fair share of him already, hooked ever since that first break. You know what they say. “You always chase the first high because nothing’s ever good enough after it.” But all those times, you hadn’t been thinking that he’d be gone tomorrow. You’d always assume you’d have time to figure it out later. You didn’t think later would be taken away so soon.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered hoarsely, brushing the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs. Hovering over you, he looked a bit angelic, like you’d died and gone to heaven. You sniffled and nodded, throwing your arms around his neck and yanking him down for another kiss so he couldn’t look at you.

The two of you move in perfect mark-and-sync. Neither of you had to say anything. If language is crude, you and he have transcended it. It’s like you don’t even need to communicate because he already knows. You already know. He slipped your shirt off, pausing when you winced after placing weight onto your wrist. With the lightest of angel-feather touches, he kissed your shoulder. It’s like you’re melting into him. Healing after breaking. 

“Natsuya,” you murmured with more urgency, fingers dug into his back. His skin was smooth and flush against yours. The heat was unbearable. He nodded and without stalling or grandstanding, entered you swift and deep. Your head lolled back into the pillows as your body accepted him graciously. No resistance. Not anymore.

It wasn’t the aggressive jackhammering or pretzel twisting—no, this was slow, sensual, iambic pentameter ballads recited under honeysuckle summer moons. He lavished you. Adored you. Despite everything, you begun to laugh as he made love to you. Nothing was funny, you just… felt so _good_ you couldn’t contain yourself. His lips latched onto the column of your neck. You hugged him close to you like letting go would mean he’d disappear. Natsuya. Your precious, darling Natsuya.

If the owner wanted, they could instill sperm packets into their androids with male genitalia. You had no idea who would ever want to do that. Thoughts flash through your head as you rock your hips into his. Natsuya as a dad to your kid? Could you even stand it? Was it even ethical? It doesn’t matter—it makes you sad anyways, because you’re not even going to have the chance to agonize over it when he’s taken away.

“Hah— _fuck_ ,” he groaned. His palm landed hard onto the wall behind your headboard, shocking you with the loud _bang_. He used the leverage to force his way into you just a touch deeper, but it was enough. It was like you could feel him trying to screw his way through your cervix. It almost hurt, but it didn’t. It walked the fine borderline of pleasure-pain. This, that. Human, not human. You arched your body up into him, saying it in a way your tightened voice box wouldn’t let you say— _more_. 

He flipped you onto your stomach and took one of your hands, pinning it behind your back. For a split second you remembered how roughly Kinjou had handled you and how violently your body had rejected him. On the contrary, you were total putty in Natsuya’s hands. You’d do anything for him, the way you knew he’d do anything for you. His right hand took a fistful of your hair, daisies intact, and yanked your head back so you were forced to face him. You could hardly breathe or keep your eyes open, and the way he kissed you so ferociously did nothing to help. But still, you surrendered to him. Acquiescence, capitulation, defeat—you’ve lost. There’s no way you can deny it now with your eyes rolled back in your skull, that which was empty save for thoughts of him.

You’re in love with an artificial intelligence.

Face down, ass up, air whistling down your lungs. Petals strewn about. The cloying perfume of flowers and sex. Natsuya leant over you, pressing his chest to your back, untangling the mess he made of your hair and freeing your face. He whispered it in a place you couldn’t see, making you wonder if you’re just hallucinating it, but you hear the words clearly.

_“I love you.”_


	12. XII - VENETIAN RED

When the police finally came, you refused to give him up without a fight.

“Miss,” the officer said exasperatedly, clearly getting annoyed. “We can’t ignore civilian calls about deviant androids. Every report requires an investigation.”

“He wasn’t deviant!” you snapped defensively, the same way you had all morning. “He was protecting me. Isn’t that enough for you people to leave me alone?”

“At the very least, we need to do a damn inspection of the android’s hardware!” the older one interjected with the harshly angry tone of a father who’d never learnt to control his emotions. “You _will_ hand him over, or I’m charging you with obstruction of justice.”

“What ‘justice’?” you sneered back, your blood hot with adrenaline. You wouldn’t be talking back to Pigs if not for the sheer stupidity making your mouth move before your mind. “What makes a human so qualified to dictate an android’s behaviour as good or bad? I mean, _we_ manufactured them. Wouldn’t their mistakes be our mistakes? Why aren’t you prosecuting the guy that made him?”

“You—!”

“Miss,” the younger Uniform interrupted, eyeing his superior nervously. “You don’t need to defend it.”

“I _will_. I won’t stop defending _him_. Natsuya did nothing wrong.”

“Our laws for those things state that they are guilty unless proven innocent beyond _any_ doubt,” the older cop grumbled self-righteously. He turned to the other man. “McVriese, track it.”

“Er… yes, sir.”

Your sweat was cold as it trickled down your back. Your stalling had come to a withering end. Would Natsuya be able to disable whatever tracker these people were talking about? You didn’t know which god to pray to, so you prayed to them all—please, let Natsuya have gotten away safe.

“It says that DR-056-E is… here, sir.”

You were just as surprised as they were. He should’ve been halfway across the city. But, as if he’d heard his cue, Natsuya waltzed in through the front door. 

He had always been a drama queen.

_You idiot!_ you mouthed, horrified as the cops turned to him, reaching for weapons strapped to their chest. You felt like your heart was failing in your chest. What the hell was it all for, then? You had begged and begged for him to flee and finally he had, but he must’ve only said that to appease you. You never should’ve believed him. Natsuya had such a carefree expression on his face that it was pretty obvious he never had any intention of really running away. With his hands up in surrender, he looked around and met your gaze. You inhaled sharply as he smiled kindly.

“It’s okay,” he said charmingly, like he was just greeting customers rather than two armed men. “I’m not hostile.”

“Is this the one?” the older police officer asked his subordinate sharply, ignoring him.

“Yessir. According to the tracker.”

“You’ve been reported to have caused physical harm to a human. That’s against the law, Robot.”

“I’m aware,” Natsuya replied sweetly. You wanted to kill him yourself. _At least stop working against your own case._

“So, you don’t deny it?”

“Kinjou Kaede assaulted my charge. I merely protected her, as is my job.” He tapped his head. “Got evidence in here if you need to see it.”

McVriese lowered his weapon, looking relieved, but the older one kept his gun level. You couldn’t even remember his name, having been so strung up when they introduced themselves. You didn’t even want to know it. Your head was full of mantras: _please let him be okay please let him be okay please let him be okay pl_ —

“Humans are fragile,” Natsuya continued, unbothered as he stared the barrel down. “It’s okay as long as she’s okay. Nothing matters but that.”

Your heart ached in your chest as he looked to you. 

“McVriese. Verify whatever bullshit it said.”

“U-um, okay.” He stepped forwards, giving Natsuya a wary look. Natsuya grinned back.

“I’m sure I don’t need to upload anything to the Array. There’s no crime in self-defence.”

“Do as you’re told,” the older man barked, but to your immense relief he reluctantly stowed the weapon. Natsuya shrugged. You watched the light engraved into his temple pulse, and McVriese’s holo-device sparked up. With a chill you watched yourself get dropped to the ground, crawling away as Kinjou shouted his profanities through the tinny speaker. The world through Natsuya’s eyes. It all seemed so scripted. It was almost sad.

“It looks like its story checks out, Sir. In the case of defense, androids are allowed to inflict minor injury upon others. That’s the First LORe, after all.” McVriese looked happy. You were glad at least somebody here was on your side. Your shoulders begun to relax. The L.O.Res—Laws of Robotics, Extended. Ever since AI started picking up, there had to be rules for governance, though it wasn’t like they were hard to understand. It almost felt like there were too few.

1\. An AI shall not harm a human or allow harm to come to a human through inaction.

2\. The AI will obey all orders from its human unless it conflicts with the First Law.

3\. The AI must protect its existence unless such action conflicts with the First or Second laws.

You wished Natsuya had a stronger sense of his third law. And you’d have to give him a firm talking to for fucking up the second. _Furthermore_ , the way he was shaving years off your life had to be grounds for a violation of the first. But you’d have time for all that later. Was it finally over? 

“‘Minor injury’,” the older one griped. He swiped a hand through his silvery whiskers and shook his head. “I can’t stand these abominations. Back in my day, we—”

“I think it’s time for you to leave.” You managed to find your voice, shaky as it was, and got to your feet. “As you can see, there’s no case here, like I’ve been saying. Please go.”

The finish line was finally here. You just had to drag yourself over it. Natsuya was off the hook and you could continue living your life knowing that he loved you in a way that wasn’t just manufactured. You could be happy, teaching him the nuances of living a human life. 

But the show’s not over. According to this dreadful script, the door opened once again. You should’ve just locked it, because the newest addition to the scene…

Kinjou.

“That motherfucker!” he shouted as soon as he stepped foot inside, unwelcome. “That’s the piece of shit that tried to kill me!”

“Tried to _kill_ you?” The older cop asked with renewed interest. “You didn’t say that in your testimony earlier.”

“Um—I don’t think you should be here, Mr. Kaede,” McVriese tried to say, but he was immediately edged out by Kinjou’s unnecessary aggression.

“Why not?! I need to see that freak of nature shot down with my own two eyes!” He gestured largely with his left hand, the other arm tucked into a triangle sling. Honestly, he didn’t even look to be in bad shape. You gripped the edge of the counter tightly, remembering what he almost did to you.

“It is a major offense to inflict harm with the intent to kill.” The older man actually seemed elated. “That overrides the L.O.Re bullshit.” It made you sick to hear him.

“Sexual assault is also a major offense,” Natsuya bit back, his hands still in the air. “What about him?”

“Don’t you talk back to me.” The gun was out again. Natsuya sighed like he was bored.

“Alright, Officer. What’s it going to be?”

You don’t think you’ve ever been this afraid. Even thrashing in Kinjou’s demonic grip, you hadn’t felt this kind of horror before. The kind where you’re so worried about somebody else that your own world begins to shut down. Love—what a wonderfully horrible thing.

Natsuya’s eyes glowed like golden candle light. You were too scared to blink, because by the time you opened your eyes again, you might be watching silver smoke curl around its blackened wick. Please let him be okay. Please let him be okay.

Please…


	13. XIII - WARM TAUPE

“Look, _you_ saw what happened. It’s not like that video footage was edited or anything, so—”

It feels like words are rolling off your tongue in haphazard streams, brooks split by boulders. You’re so desperate it’s like your entire body is shaking with the strain. Natsuya’s eyes widen as you stumble towards him.

“Ma’am, please get back.” 

You barely hear it. You have to protect _him_. He’s the one you care about most of all; you can’t lose something as precious as that. Fuck if he’s not human! After everything you’ve been through with him, you’ve learnt it doesn’t matter. You want to hold him and be held. Touch and be touched. Love and be loved.

Why is that too much to ask?

They say God plans trials and tribulations for each of His children. Fine; you’ll fight and struggle and toil all He fucking wants. You’d do it thrice over if you have to. You’ll crawl through eternal damnation afterwards to atone for all your sins. That’s what it means to live. But why couldn’t you live with _him_ , too?

“He made a move on her!” Kinjou blurts out all of the sudden. Your heart’s already in your toes, but you feel ice crystals stab through your veins. “He’s trying to take her as a hostage!”

_Bang_.

“There you have it.” 

You distantly watch the older cop stuff his gun back into his holster. Your first thought is why he even has an old-world gun. Everybody these days carry electric guns—they’re cleaner kills. They don’t leave blood splattered everywhere.

Even blue blood runs hot.

“Natsuya. No, no… Natsuya, hey, c’mon…”

You sink to the floor, barely able to look. His face is wrought with pain he should’ve been spared from. The blood running in rivulets from his mouth is dyed navy blue, strikingly eerie against his skin. 

“You could have just done a remote shutdown of its system instead of real-deathing, Sir…”

“Androids are finnicky. Back then, when you wanted to down a suspect, you shot it. And it always worked. It’s as simple as that.” 

“Natsuya,” you breathed, ignoring their conversation. Your hand was stuck into his chest, but how was that going to help? You’re so used to giving life, blooming life, loving life—and you hold his in your hands, the stopgap between whatever remnants he has left and the other side. The tears flow freely but you barely notice them, so focused on him. “Talk to me. Please.”

“…you’re beautiful.”

His hand twitches. You realize he’s trying to touch your face. You clasp the fingers in yours, wincing at their coldness. Harshly, you squeeze, like that alone might anchor him onto the Earth.

“Okay. You can tell me that later. For now, you just gotta hang on. Or upload your consciousness or something—I don’t know. Just don’t leave me alone, _please_.”

He grins weakly, his hand heavy in your grip. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Why _not_!?” you wail. “You said you’d never leave me! Why are you breaking your promise?”

“Fuckin’ disgustin’,” somebody mutters. They’re all watching you like it’s some sort of gaudy performance. You don’t care. You only care about him, whose mechanical heartbeat you can feel pulsing against your palm. His heart belongs to you. His soul. _He_ belongs to you, and you were finally fucking happy, and now… they’re taking him away.

“Bye, hon.” He whispers it so lightly you almost couldn’t hear it. When you let go of his hand it falls to the floor, heavy. There’s no need to scramble for a pulse or push on his chest. Those were his last words. He’s gone. With lemon pepper eyes, he stares up at you adoringly. It’s a gentle expression despite such a violent death. Those eyes weren’t organic in the first place, so it’s not like they should’ve looked dead. But the light, and the warmth, is gone. 

“This whole ‘modern renaissance’ movement—I’ve had enough. It’s just not right. If you give ‘em power, you should be the one to take it away.”

“Are you okay, Miss?” McVriese is the one to kneel across from you, gingerly avoiding the pools of blue ink. You stare back into Natsuya’s eyes unmovingly.

“Get up, girl. It’s just a thing. You can buy a new one if you need to. What are you being so dramatic for?”

“ _He_ wasn’t just a thing!” you shriek, the last frays snapping within you. “ _He_ wasn’t broken, and neither was I!”

You don’t really remember what happens after. It’s lost to a daze of anguish and anger. They release you from the police station after striking you with battery of an officer, but who gives a shit? What’s the point, anymore?

Natsuya deserved to live. From the start he was controlled by a script and had his fate laid in ones and zeroes; but, isn’t that the way we interpret so called ‘free will’? But he liked to drink, even if he wasn’t so good at holding his own. He was a good swimmer. He was handsome and got along well with anybody he spoke to. He was a notorious flirt and he always got on your nerves. 

He was the _man_ you loved. 

Your parents call. They yell. You don’t care; you can’t even go home anymore, because that navy pool of blood is still going to be there. It probably won’t wash out. It’ll never leave. 

_“I’ll stay forever if you’ll let me.”_

The beach is desolate at this time. The wind bites at your cheeks, tousles your hair like a lover, but you have long since been numb. All you do is stare out into the smog, moonbeams scattered across the waves like stray diamonds. Waves crash monotonously. It’s like the emptiness within you could never be filled, but you have no tears left to cry.

Your comms device buzzes every so often, but you have no desire to talk to anybody. The only person you would want to talk to about this is Natsuya, and he’s gone. You wonder what the last thing you sent him was. Artificial Intelligence are capable of curating their own memes. Had you sent a ‘lol’ back to something stupid? It was all so carefree back then. Almost afraid, you pull up the log.

**1 New Message: Natsuya**

Your poor heart’s going to give out today. You almost drop your comms into the sand but manage to pull up the message. It was only sent an hour ago. Was he—could he—?!

A hologram slips up from the screen and you want to break down all over again. You can almost touch him; but when you reach out, your fingers slip through the mirage. He grins and so many emotions rush through you that you’re dizzy. Angry that he looks so smug. Relieved to hear from him again. Love. So much fucking love.

“Heya, girlie. I’m recording this just after popping out. If you’re getting this, that means things didn’t work out and my hardware went offline. Poo.” He shrugs, like it’s no big deal. Despite it all, you choke on a laugh mid-sob. He never changed.

“I bet you’re glad to have gotten rid of me, right? Or, maybe not… if you feel the same way about me that I feel about you.” He pauses, looking thoughtful. “AI… are equipped to learn emotion. Before you, I knew what those things were. Joy. Anger. Sadness. Basic things. I _knew_ , all right, but then…” His eyes turn to yours, seeking you out even through the recording. “Then I really learnt.

[Name]. You’re so good. You’re funny, and full of _life_. For the first time I felt jealous. Jealous of you, that had a human life that I never even wanted before. But after I saw your smile, I wanted it for myself. See, I found out later on that I wasn’t envying _you_ , but rather all the people around you. They were all people who could know you the way I never would. Grow old and die with you. I guess I’m probably gonna kick the bucket here, but still. I wanted to have more time with you. That’s all I wished for as a lowly little android. I wanted to be _more_ for you, to be real with you. I fell in love with you every day. It’s a curious thing to love the thing that hurts you. Only humans would be into that, but you made me understand. 

Anyways. I’m sure you’re grieving for me, and even though I shouldn’t be… I’m happy. If I could just ask of you for one thing, it’d be to remember me. But don’t miss me. Don’t cry for me. Just remember how happy we were. You gave me a lust for life, so keep living it for us.

Bye, hon.”

He reaches out, his palm passing through your face. With a pained smile, the hologram blinks out of existence, and once again… he is gone.


	14. XIV - REALGAR

Everything fucking reminds you of him.

You can’t stand it there and leave. You pack up and go without a trace or second thought. It doesn’t matter what you leave behind; nothing could devastate you more than losing him. You just can’t be close to the beach you once loved anymore; not when every wave reminds you of listening to his paced heart beat against your cheek. It aches. It agonizes. It never goes away. 

But, you’re not so cruel as to deny a man-slash-android’s dying wish, so you try. Lying in a cesspool of grief gets you nowhere, so you stand up and carry on. You do it for you, yes, but it’s for him that you keep trying on the days you feel like you’re not _real_. You have to; otherwise, it means he never was. You meet new people, reconnect with old, and smile. You tend to the flowers. Give life. You even go back to school—something your parents are overjoyed about. To anybody watching, it must’ve looked like you’d successfully turned your life around or something. To the contrary, it felt like you’d already died. You’re just going through the motions, because that’s what humans do.

Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat. No amount of time, honey, or whiskey can heal a broken heart like yours.

Is this the life you wanted so bad, Natsuya? You can hear him in your head sometimes, like he’s leant over, smirk ghosting against the shell of your ear. 

_“If you keep running from me, Princess, I’ll just have to keep chasing you ‘till I catch you.”_

The beach is energetic at this time. The wind kisses at your cheeks; brushes your hair like a lover. You watch sunbeams scatter across the waves like candied lemon quartz, and people bustle past you with pomp and circumstance. Waves crash brightly. The world spins around you. Life goes on. 

“Hey, Doc. There y’are. Ready to take off?” The fisherman you work with crosses strong, tan arms over his chest after noticing you approaching. You wave him off.

“I’ll be down to the docks in a bit, if that’s okay. I just want to pay my respects to somebody first.”

“No problem, Missus. Take yer’ time. Them tiger sharks yer’ lookin’ for won’t be active ‘till later anyways.” He walks away to the harbour and you sigh, looking down at the flower bouquet hanging from your fingertips. You feel like a stood-up date, awkwardly out of place, over-dressed with a mournful look of longing. It’s a bit embarrassing, but you haven’t been back here in a near decade, and you probably wouldn’t forgive yourself if you didn’t at least acknowledge what had happened here. 

Natsuya told you that he didn’t dream one night while you and he were lying together, naked, vulnerable, facing each other with the high of one another’s bodies. You’d always been so curious as to know how he saw the world. You hadn’t thought about that night in so long, but you remember what he said clear as day: _“I might not dream, but you’re my dream girl.”_

What a loser.

You should’ve stuck some incense into the sand or _something_ , but it hadn’t really crossed your mind of how seriously you wanted to mourn an artificial life form. You could’ve left a rock as a headstone somewhere if you had foresight, but for now, you’d just have to make do with looking out into the open water. You dig your boots into the gravel and sigh. You hadn’t spent that long with him, but it had felt like forever. Yet after all this time and thought, you suddenly have nothing to say—he’d so make fun of you for it, too. 

The daisies in your hands feel heavy. You stare down at the yellow heads crowned by white angel feathers, each the same warm summer gold of his eyes. Unconsciously, your fingers move to pluck the first petal.

**He loves me.**

_“Hey. Android DR-056 at your service.”_

**He loves me not.**

_“You want me to stop, now?”_

**He loves me.**

_“If you hate me that much, you should trade me in for another model. Though you’d probably miss me.”_

**He loves me not.**

_“You made us to fill your needs. You act all high and mighty, like you’re so much better than us with this free will bullshit, but you’re all so useless. I could analyze your every weakness. I could break you, and you’d never see it coming. You should be more careful around things like me.”_

**He loves me.**

_“Don’t you know that AI don’t have thoughts? We just act on command to please our masters.”_

**He loves me not.**

_“Had enough?”_

**He loves me.**

_“I’ll stay forever if you’ll let me.”_

**He loves me not.**

_“Humans are special. They’re strange, they’re fragile, and they’re stupid. We all know that. Even humans know that. But still… you drink alcohol, which is a toxin that kills you. You jump off cliffs into the ocean for fun. You make all these laws and systems and then break them so easily. You fight amongst yourselves and start wars, but in the middle of it… you also find love.”_

**He loves me.**

_“D’you want me to say ‘I love you’ back? I can if you want me to.”_

**He loves me not.**

_“I shouldn’t have let it happen in the first place.”_

**He loves me.**

_“I just don’t want to go. Anywhere else I go wouldn’t have you.”_

**He loves me not.**

_“Alright, Officer. What’s it going to be?”_

**He loves me.**

_“You’re beautiful.”_

**He loves me not.**

You sigh and let the last petal fall, letting it scatter to the wind. It’s gone in the blink of an eye. Figures. You should’ve been well-accustomed to pain, but it stings nonetheless. Though maybe it’s a good thing to hurt. It means you’re still alive. Really real. 

“Hey, Sweet.”

_quam bene vivas refert non quam diu._

You’re turning before you even realize it. He looks right back at you. You gape wildly, struggling to take in his features, the ones that haven’t aged a day—how could he? They’re all manufactured from design anyways—and Natsuya smiles back sheepishly. Your blood rushes so fast you can’t hear, can’t see, can’t feel. It’s him. Isn’t it? The one you owe the meaning of your life to—the one you hate to need, need to be needed. The one you still, after all this time, _love_. But in your silence as your mind wheels to keep up with your heart, he starts to gesture with a point.

“D’you mind getting out of the way? You’re blocking the sun for my lady.”

You swallow your heart that’s been lodged in your throat and shuffle backwards, seeing a disgruntled older woman lounging on a towel behind you. Natsuya (?) beams.

“Thank you kindly.”

“Figgy,” the woman whines in a falsetto that does not befit her, peering over expensive-looking sunglasses. “You still haven’t lotioned up my back!”

“I’m getting right to you, Ma’am. C’mon, _do you miss me that much_?”

She chortles away as he trots back like an obedient lapdog, laughing with her. It feels like your soul is trying to shake itself free from your body. You’re trembling like you’re on Death’s doorstep. That’s Natsuya, but it’s not _your_ Natsuya. It’s DR-056- _B_ or some shit. You’re always so close, then so far. Tides in. Tides out. Undulation. Always there, never here.

It’s so unfair… and that’s what it really means to be human. 

You’ve spent enough time here. You have to move on. With a sigh, you trudge down to the shore and stick the flowers down in the damp sand. They stand proudly despite their delicateness. Without turning back, so that you won’t have to see his face, you hurry down to the docks so that you can board the research boat. But you’re not the type that can just let things go like that. When you’re at the end of the road, you take one last peek over your shoulder, and watch the final daisy slip away to sea.

_it is how well you live that matters, not how long._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _goodnight, starlight._  
>  a half year project in the making - closed. everybody say fank yew kaizen for letting me hurt their feelings and selfishly explore sci-fi/philosophy/ethics/sociology to my heart's content (人ゝω・）i wuv u !!!

**Author's Note:**

> deltachye.tumblr.com


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